Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Being Someone Else

I'm such a freak. I hate that I worry I so much. I hate that I think about all the stupid things that could (or did) fall out of my mouth. I hate being awkward.
That meeting today? Totally fine. Because the person I was meeting with was obviously not going to squish me like a bug or lock me in my gym locker or something equally stupid. She wasn't some very cool untouchable. She was just a normal person. A mom, like me. We took care of business and talked about our kids. I told her I was pregnant again. She remembered David's Humpty Dumpty costume from last year. We talked about how our kids were doing in school and their struggles and it was comforting to know that Bre wasn't the only one have some sort of trouble. And I know it sounds totally stupid but it was just one more step in the right direction for me. Because I got through an hour in the company of someone I didn't know very well and I didn't implode.
Someone asked me once why I volunteer for these things, why I put myself in the position to feel so uncomfortable.
Really simple. I don't want to end up being crazy cat lady. I don't want to be a hermit. I don't want to be awkward. I put myself in situations where I have to step outside of my shell because I hope that someday, I won't have that shell.
It was easy when I lived in the same state I grew up in. I had friends who had always known that I could get shy, even around them, but didn't hold it against me. Since moving here I haven't met a lot of people. It's not that I haven't tried, though I could certainly try harder. It's just that I suck at this. I'm better when I'm able to write down my thoughts and then go back and erase it when it's really stupid. Or in pig latin. But I'm working on that. And someday I won't be someone else. That someone else will be me.

* Did I mention that this someone else has to actually go to businesses and ask for discounts and possibly donated stuff? Know anyone who has an extra Wii sitting around? Heh.


Jay said...

I think you are brave.

Glad it went well.

Irish Goddess said...

Wow, I'm impressed. I'm awful at those things, too - well, just about anything where I have to talk to someone, in person. At work I have a different persona, and have no trouble being in charge, being confident. But ask me to drop off the Girl Scout Cookie sheet? Terrifying. I made my daughter go with me! The scary thing is, the older I get, the worse this affliction becomes. Good for you for forcing yourself to not become the cat lady. You are brave.

~M~ said...

I'm glad that it went well and you didn't implode. I'd still like to see you around. ;0) And you're more brave than me! I have no idea if I'll be able to do the things you've done since I won't even do them w/o kids!

Mrs.X said...

Believe me, if it wasn't for my kids, I doubt that I would be able to do it at all. More than anything, I don't want them to be me when they grow up! At least not this part of me.