Thursday, August 21, 2008

Send Help. Or Tequila. Tequila would be nice.

I hate it when my husband has to go out of town. Everytime he does, my kids choose this moment to apeshit bananas. They're all sweet and 'Aww.. We'll miss you Daddy" and then the door closes and they turn to me and.... stare. They've been working out their little plan and now it is time to rain Hell upon the Mom unit.
Sure it starts out innocently enough..
"Mom, David and I are going to go play outside.... nicely. I'll watch him."

What she means is, they are going to go outside where she will dump sand on his head and he will fling dog poo at her until I come outside and tell them to stop screaming. I will then be forced to hose them both down before they can come into the house and then lecture them about how we do not throw sand or poo at people and I cannot believewearehavingthisconversationwhatthehelliswrongwithyoupeople????

This will also be the time that David decides that he cannot eat anything that is not goldfish or poptarts and that he has NEVER liked grilled cheese because grilled cheese is yucky. Yes, I could refuse to give him anything else but then he just won't eat. At all. He will just occasionally yell that he's hungry and would please to very much liking his goldfish now PLEASE WOMAN???? And then he will continue the not eating and his ribs will stick out even further and I have a no ribs sticking out policy people.

And then there is the screaming. The endless screaming. Often for no other reason then to hear themselves screaming. I've considered running away but I think they'd follow me.

Bedtime has been earlier then usual because... do I really need to explain?

But the worst offender in the Hell on Mom plan?

The baby.

Josie is generally an easy going baby. She likes to sit back and watch the older two go at it, clapping her hands as if they're putting on a play for her when they start ramming each other in the stomach with their heads or otherwise trying to maim the other.
But when Daddy is away, Super-clingy NEEDNEEDNEED Mode begins. She doesn't care what I'm doing, so long as she has direct skin to skin contact AT ALL TIMES. All moms know how to use the bathroom while holding on to a baby. We are masters at buttoning and zipping one-handed. With a baby. A small baby. Maybe one who can't wiggle, scream, climb over you and jam her thumb in your eye while you try not to pee all over yourself.
Josie has always loved playing with her older siblings. Mostly because they can be pretty entertaining when they're trying to occupy the exact same space at the exact same time. Also because they'll both give her anything she wants. But there is no substituting once in Super-clingy NEEDNEEDNEED Mode.
I tried playing one of her favorite games- So Big.
We clap and then I say "Josie is soooo big" and she raises her arms and starts laughing. Her arms always go up when I say "Josie is....". So I thought I'd just add "sooo crazy" instead of her usual fair. No big deal right?

She went from smiling to the STARE.

Her arms stayed up, waiting for me to say the right thing.

I didn't.

She started growling. Growling! My sweet baby growled!

I still didn't say it.

She sighed... Gawd mom quit being such an asshole!

I gave in.

She laughed and started clapping.

My baby is a tyrant.

5 more days until my husband comes home.

I don't think I'm going to make it.