I had lunch with a friend today. She's someone that I trust, I know I could tell her, but I didn't. I could not make the words come out. We were having fun and catching up and I'd like to say that I just didn't want to spoil it but I know that it's more than that.
I know that she reads this blog sometimes. I know that a number of people who read this blog know me in 'real life'. I don't mind that. I know that they wouldn't bring it up outside of this forum unless I mentioned it first.
It's easier for me to say the things that are troubling me here. I can hit publish and leave it here. It's easier to be open here because I can then turn around, smiling, pretending that things are as they should be.
Knowing this, there are still some things I cannot bring myself to mention here. Things I am afraid to say outloud. Things I don't want to see in print. Some very foolish part of me imagines that saying it outloud makes it real. If I don't say it, it won't happen. It's naive, I know. These are the things I do to hold on.
I wonder about the things left unspoken.
I read other blogs and wonder about the secrets beneath the words they type. If they're like me. Afraid of the reality of those words.
I'm always telling Girl X that her words are the most powerful force she has, that she must choose them carefully and be certain that she says what she means. Once, in anger, she told me she hated me. Those words hung there between us like poison. I remained silent and simply looked at her.
She cried and said she didn't mean it. But it stung anyway. We talked about how once you say something, no matter how many times you apologize, no matter times you try to take it back, it's there. The damage is there. The wound may heal, but the scar will always remind you. I know she doesn't hate me, but I needed her to understand.
But what about those unspoken words? I wonder if they can do more damage than if I'd just say it. These unspoken words like disease, slowly burning a hole through me.
It's then that I feel absolutely alone. And maybe a little crazy.
I've researched, studying the effect diet can have on his health, alternative medicines, origins and option after option. I need more information but it gets so overwhelming.
Perhaps part of my fear in divulging this secret, is that I will be alone. We have lost friends because of this, although some may argue that they weren't truly our friends.
8 weeks to go now.
And it remains unspoken.