Monday, February 06, 2006

Why We Are Horrible Parents

Yes, I know you're thinking 'What? No! But you guys are faaaabbbbulous parents!' Ok, maybe not but so not the point. The point is, I think most people would look at us and think 'Oh my gosh! THESE people have kids?'

Examples of our less than stellar parenting:

*It's become a game in our house to scare the pants off each other. This usually entails waiting until someone is really engrossed in what they're doing and then jumping out at them. It's usually me that is getting jumped at because I startle easily. Like, pathetically easy. It comes with growing up in a house with 2 older brothers who amused themselves by torturing me. But, it also works well if you hide and wait for your prey, er, kid to innocently walk in to use the bathroom and then just when they're sitting down you jump out from behind the shower curtain thereby insuring their ability to pee really fast for the rest of their lives. Or like the time I had Mr X bury me in Girl X's toybox. I was covered head to toe in stuffed animals with her Mr Bunny Tails over my head. When she came in the house to get a popsicle, Mr X told her to get Mr Bunny Tails because he needed to fix an ear. At first she didn't see him so she dug around for a bit. I thought I was busted for sure but nope. She reached for Mr Bunny Tails and just as she grabbed him I popped up. People? My kid can run fast. She also has a mean right hook. Trust me.
The thing is, she loves it. We took her to Disneyland for her 5th birthday and went into the Haunted mansion. She cried and clung to my arm the whole time begging to get out of there. We told her to just cover her eyes and hang on. As soon as we left she looked at me, with tears in her eyes, heaving and sniffling and asked if we could do it again.

*I've woken her up in the middle of the night (during a weekend) to play in the snow. She was dressed warmly enough but geez! It was the middle of the night.

*She used to wake up when Mr X would get up for work (4:30 am) and he would give her cookies or a piece of candy. It drove me nuts but eventually he stopped.
She has had 2 cavities.

*She once stabbed my dad with a fork.
She was eating pancakes (don't ever mess with her pancakes!). My dad tried to sneak a piece off her plate and she got mad so she stabbed him. She was barely 4 at the time.
I laughed (so did my dad), but realized that maybe I should teach her to be a little less protective of her food and she is now. Just don't mess with her pancakes.

*She has had 4 black eyes and she bit a rottweiler when she was 18 months old. 1 of the black eyes was from a fight with a 4 year old boy when she was 22 months old. He took her book and hit her so she threw him down and bit him. The rottweiler- he snapped at her friend. She bit the dog. The dog? Totally shocked. These were at daycare.
The other 3 black eyes were from daredevil moves. Like flying off the couch and trying to get over the coffee table. And missing.

*Hurricane recently found the cat litter box. What is with kids and their love of poop?

So, sometimes we suck at this. And I realize that someday, my kids are going to look at their significant others and say "I don't care, it's going to be so easy to be better parents than them."

To that I say "Ha! See if you ever get cocoa puffs for dinner again."