Wednesday, March 22, 2006

And He Will Never Ask Again

Normally when Mr X asks me what I did that day I answer with a simple 'not much.'
Today was not one of those days. Sadly for him, he asked on a day that involved me painting my elbow blue and getting thrown up on. Twice.
So I did something I never do. I detailed our day for him.

6:50 am- Realize that the screaming is not my imagination and that the tin foil over the window did not work (I am not giving up hope on this one and I don't care if the neighbors think we're crazy because they already think too much about us anyway).
6:55 am- change first diaper of the day. Applaud when I actually have enough brain function to remember to put on a new diaper.
7:00 am- Fall back to sleep with Hurricane on my head.
7:30 am- Get woken up when Girl X pokes me in the cheek. Briefly remember a time when I could sleep until 8 am without anyone poking me in the cheek. Girl X smiles and says she knew I was only pretending to be asleep.
7:35 am- Get Girl X's breakfast. Give Hurricane free rein to destroy the living room. Begin cleaning up from Mr X's mad breakfast rush.
8:00 am- Stand in Girl X's room beggingher to just for the love of all that is good please pick out something to wear because it all looks cute dammit!
8:07 am- Pull Hurricane out of Cat's food bowl. Offer him breakfast which he does not want.
8: 15 am- Tell Girl X if she doesn't get dressed RIGHT. NOW. I am going to pick her clothes for her and she does not want THAT.
8:23 am- Remind Girl X that green teeth aren't pretty and it would be so nice if she would just brush them.
8: 31 am- Ask Girl X to play with Hurricane so that I can make a mad dash to get 'ready' for the day. Ignore the eye-rolling because that would take precious minutes I need to use to brush my teeth.
8:32 am- Throw on the first pair of pants and shirt I find that is clean and dammit I hope that stain isn't too noticeable. Brush teeth and hair at same time. Wash face while picking up dirty clothes Mr X left beside the hamper because putting it in the hamper is, obviously, against his religion. Get mascara on one eye before Hurricane comes in and attaches himself to leg.
8:43 am- Give up trying to pry Hurricane off leg and tell Girl X to get her shoes on.
8:45 am- Go back to bathroom as soon as Iremember that I still only have mascara on one eye.
8:48 am- Start first load of laundry for the day.
8:53 am- Catch Hurricane before he can tip over the trash can. Get him dressed- which includes the 2nd diaper change of the day. Put his shoes on as he is running down the hall.
9:03 am- Throw Girl X's lunch in her bag and race outside to meet the bus.
9: 13 am- Wave bye-bye to bus long after bus has disappeared. Leave toosoon and Hurricane will go into meltdown mode. Must avoid meltdown mode.
9:17 am- Realize that it is now you and Hurricane alone. All alone. Hurricane also realizes this. He smiles his sweet I-am-going-to-paint-the-walls-today smile. Realize that you are at war. With a 16 month old.
9:18 am- Hurricane has decided that he must eat breakfast right this second or he will IMPLODE. FEED ME NOW!! Breakfast is the easiest meal of the day, in that he will eat any breakfast related item. But, you have to be quick.
9:20 am- quickly cut up 2 pancakes as Hurricane clings to both legs, sobbing.
9:23 am- Hobble, Hurricane still attached to your legs, to the table with pancakes and milk.
9:47 am- Breakfast ends with one syrupy plate on the floor.
9:49 am- Briefly remember breakfast that did not involve a carpet full of syrup (or Cat now stuck in that syrup), Elmo plates or the airplane trick. For every single bite.
9:53 am- Scrub syrup off Cat and floor.
10 am- Yay! Sesame street! That all too brief hour in the day when Hurricane is vaguely distracted by Big Bird and Elmo. Realize that you know all the words to the theme song for Sesame Street. Remember a time when the only lyrics you memorized were that of your favorite band.
10:05 am- Start next load of laundry while Elmo pokes fun at Zoe's pet rock. Realize that I am having an argument in my head about why Elmo should not be poking fun at Zoe just because she thinks her pet rock has feelings. Make mental note to get out for the house and talk to some adults for the sake of my mental health.
10:11 am- Fold laundry with 'help' from Hurricane.
10:17 am- Refold laundry Hurricane 'helped' with before getting distracted by Grover.
10:23 am- Begin emptying dishwasher.
10:25 am- Pull Hurricane out of dishwasher. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
10:30 am- Finish dishes while hurricane is completely hypnotized by Elmo.
10:35 am- Begin search for Box to mail gift to friend.
11:00 am- Sesame street is over and it's snack time. Box still not found.
11:28 am- Finally find suitable box. Must now convince Hurricane it's not a toy.
11:37 am- Make it to the post office in time for Hurricane to reach meltdown mode.
11:45 am- Return home and lay Hurricane down because he finally fell asleep.
11:48 am- Next load of laundry.
11:55 am- Skip folding the rest of the laundry because I just realized that I have not eaten yet and that noise I keep hearing is my stomach.
12:10 pm- Eat and catch up with internet, e-mail.
12:30 pm- Pick up trail of toys and junk left behind by Girl X and Mr X.
12:45 pm- Give up and jump on treadmill.
1:00 pm- Begin to feel guilty about the state of the house and why I'm wasting valuable minutes on this thing.
1:15 pm-Girl X is home from school. Damn early dismissal.
1:17 pm- Help Girl X make her bed and clean up her room.
1:33 pm- Hurricane is awake. Time for more laundry, snacks, and dusting.
And another diaper change. This may not seem like a big deal, except he's mobile and has this hatred for sitting still.
2:15 pm- Pull Hurricane out from under the table where he has cornered Cat in a game of who can slobber on the other more. Hurricane won.
2:40 pm- Videotape hurricane 'dancing'. Laugh when I realize he has his father's 'moves'.
3:00 pm- Ask Hurricane to kindly remove his head from my ass because no matter how hard he tries, and despite the fact that it is rather large, his head simply won't fit up there.
3:02 pm- Pull Hurricane away from ass and change another diaper.
3:07 pm- Send Girl X off to play and make bed.
3:11 pm- Give up and lay down with Hurricane.
3:24 pm- Mr X is home and in act that makes me want to bake him cookies, takes Hurricane so I can nap.
4:32 pm- Get poked in the cheek by Girl X. Bury face when Girl X says she can't believe I was sleeping.
4: 37 pm- Give up and splash cold water on face in vain attempt to wake up.
4:44 pm- Mr X disappears for the next hour and 20 minutes to work out. Take back earlier statement about cookies. Play with Hurricane and the Weebles.
5:00 pm- Make dinner.
5:27 pm- Send Girl X to shower since she's done with dinner.
5:39 pm- Tell Girl X to get out of shower already.
5:46 pm- Hurricane begins coughing hard. His face turns blood red. Pick him up.
5:47 pm- Hurricane throws up on me for the first time that evening.
5:49 pm- Get out of pukey sweater and change Hurricane. Skip the diaper.
5: 56 pm- Hurricane pukes up the rest of his dinner when I pick him up from the changing table.
5:57 pm- Gag.
5:58 pm- Scrub floors and try to keep pukey hair out of face.
6:03 pm- Watch Hurricane, diaperless, walk over to Cat and pee on him.
6:04 pm- Get look of death from Cat.
6:07 pm- Gather things for shower.
6:11 pm- Stop Hurricane from stabbing Cat in the butt with his fingers. Laugh when I realize that my son nearly Kanchoed the Cat.
6:15 pm- Wash pukey hair while Hurricane plays with his butt.
6:17 pm- Tell Girl X snacks can wait until after I'm out of the shower and no I will not get out right now.
6:19 pm- Girl X returns to ask how long I will be in the shower. Make mental note to start locking that door.
6:21 pm- Wash pukey baby who promptly falls asleep on my shoulder.
6:25 pm- Feel guilty for waking up sleepy baby and wish again that I had invested in some earplugs because that kid has some lungs.
By 7 pm, I was making my dinner, feeding Hurricane some toast and cleaning up the dining room. Mr X asked what I did today and I think that will be the last time.
But sometimes, I don't think he gets it.
It's not like my day ended there. I mean, it's almost 11:30 and I'm still up. I had another, please G-d let it be the last, coat of paint to slap on. The kids needed to be put to bed, dinner dishes cleaned up, Girl X's lunch for school needed to be made and laundry still not finished (the laundry is never done here). Plus, cleaning up the toys from Hurricane's mission to destroy.
I wonder how he would do if he had to switch places with me for a day.
Sometimes I get the feeling that he thinks my day goes more like this:
8:30 am- Wake up. Kid's eat. Girl X to school.
9:30- 12:00- Play with Hurricane.
12:00- 3:00- While Hurricane sleeps, eat lunch, play on internet, sleep. Maybe do laundry. What time does Springer come on?
3:30- Husband home. Sleep.
5:00- Make dinner while Husband works out.
6:45- Kid's bathtime
7:30 and 8:00- Kid's bedtime
8:00- whenever- TV time.

I hope he doesn't think that anymore.