Thursday, September 28, 2006

She'll Be The Crazy One

A few nights ago there were about 7 messages on our answering machine, all about 5 minutes apart and all from my Mother-in-law. Yes, she of the 'ok-love-you-bye-bye' has returned (for those just tuning in, my MIL will call and ramble on and on not hearing anything you say, the end it with an 'ok love you, bye bye' except that she doesn't actually hang up. No, she keeps going on and on and saying bye but not actually meaning it until finally you just hang up and claim that the phone just like, died in your hands and yes that does happen a lot and gee you're right we should get that checked. *breath!*).
Anyway, all of the messages were variations on "You call me back now! Life-altering news! Big changes! So exciting! You call now!" (Again, I should mention for those just joining that my MIL is completely freaking nuts. Also, Vietnamese. She likes to say things to me in Vietnamese that I couldn't possibly understand except that you know it's not good. Probably something about me going to hell. Or being sloppy seconds. All things I have heard many times).
So after the 7th one, I finally told Mr X to just call her back because I wasn't going to answer dammit and I was not going to listen to these messages and maybe it will be good news. Like she's finally moving to California (Take that California!).
He calls back and she answers so excited about her Big! Life! Altering! News! News which she refuses to share.
Yes folks, she called us 7 times in a row, one right after the other all to tell us: NOTHING!
She insists that he call back and let his dad tell him. Apparently her news was so damn exciting she couldn't walk the phone downstairs and hand it to her husband so that he could tell us the Big! Life! Altering! News! No, Mr x had to call back (seriously people? What the feck is that?).
But whatever, she's not my mom (Ha! Hahahahaha! Pardon me while I am reduced to hysterical laughter).
Mr X calls back and asks his dad what's up. What is this Big! Life! Altering! News!?

And what does his dad say?

Could it be "oh, we're moving?"
Maybe, "We won the lottery"
I know, "Don't ask me how but somehow your mom is pregnant again"
(Haha! Good one universe!)

No. His dad is quiet for a moment and then says..............

"What are you talking about?"

What. Are. You. Talking. About.

Feckin' WHAT????

Mr X's head implodes as he hears his mom yell (hell even I could hear his mom and I was on the other side of the room which good frogs people! Do you realize how freakin' loud she has to be to yell downstairs at her house into a phone her husband is holding and I can hear her loud and clear when the phone is no where near my head?) "Tell them what happen to me today!"

"Oh that?" *sigh* (FIL's, not mine).

His mom is going to be in the audience for Deal or No Deal.

Take that in a moment.

She is going to be in the audience, not a contestant, for Deal or No Deal.

Mr X hung up and just looked at me because he knew I was thinking just what he was thinking.

Just how the feck is this going to change her life? Or more accurately, just what is she planning on doing at the show to insure that she will become a video that is passed around the web for all of eternity?

I don't think she'll go crazy and offer to start feeding everyone and then end up in jail for killing them all because, hey, I've had her cooking and I've seen her kitchen. It would be murder.
I don't think she'll strip naked and run across stage. OK, probably not but don't rule that out entirely.
She might try to take over one of the suitcase girl's job.

I do know that unless they do some serious editing, you will be able to see my MIL. She'll be the one wearing bright red flowers with the red plaid pants and the giant bird and flower barrettes in her hair. She'll have her make-up done by Tammy Faye and 6 inch red heels to make herself taller.
Just listen for someone yelling "Howie! You marry my daughter! Deal! Deal! Are you Catholic? I love you Howie!"