Friday, October 07, 2005

How to feed a Mobile Baby

As promised, and for your amusement.

Step one: Make the sign for eat. Watch as Baby X takes that as permission to eat Cat. Get dirty look from Cat.

Step two: Pry Baby X from Cat and put in highchair.

Step three: Quickly, and after extensive training from the pit crew of a Nascar driver, strap Baby X into seat. Use the attached buckles and three rolls of duct tape. Pray that it holds. Important to note: Hands must be free for finger foods.

Step four: grab baby food, preferably something with fruit or sweet potatoes because anything else will be promplty thrown at you or spit back at you.

Step five: Foolishly believe that today would be a good day to allow Baby X to self feed some of the baby food. Distinctly hear Cat snicker before running away after announcing this to Baby X.

Step six: Mistake Baby X's smile and eagerness as good signs. Will now know for next time that these are signs of impending mess that will rival the (forgive the messy link. I'm a computer idiot).

Step seven: Hand Baby X a little dipper and a small bowl. Sign for eat. Baby X looks at dipper, throws it at you and grabs bowl. Reapeat 5 times.

Step eight: Pick up bowl from floor. Realize the carpet is a lost cause. Hope that pureed blueberries will not ruin new shirt. Call yourself an idiot for wearing new shirt during feeding times.

Step nine: Give up on self-feeding for the day. Go to kitchen and grab a new jar of food as the other is currently staining your carpet.

Step ten: Attempt to feed Baby X. For a few minutes it goes well. Sign in relief.

Step eleven: Realize sighing, and therefore signaling that you've relaxed in the presence of Baby X was a huge mistake as Baby X monsters. Attempt to dodge the food being blown out of Baby X's mouth.

Step twelve: Baby X decides he really is hungry so feeding may resume. I realize Baby X has the attention span of a gnat. Scratch that. A gnat's baby. Be amazed as Baby X, though strapped in with 3 rolls of duct tape and buckled, manages to contort himself enough to face the opposite direction.

Step thirteen: Walk around to the other side of the high chair in order to give Baby X a bite. As soon as you get there, Baby X turns in the opposite direction. Repeat 50 times while occasionally getting a bite in.

Step fourteen: Give Baby X some gerber fruit puffs.

Step fifteen: Yelp as Baby X bites you as you attempt to pull out 14 of the 15 fruit puffs he just shoved in his mouth.

Step sixteen: Bandage fingers and wonder if human bites are as bite as animal ones.

Step seventeen: remove duct tape and set Baby X free to chase Cat.

Step eighteen: Thank all that is good and right that dinner is still four hours away.