Wednesday, November 02, 2005

How to Bathe your Mobile Baby

It's time for another episode of "what the hell have I gotten myself in too?"
Bath time. Ah yes, good times. Good times.
We haven't really done bath time since Baby X was 6 weeks old and I thought, 'Hey bath time! That's fun! Let's do it.' The instant the water touched his skin he screamed so loud and shrilly the dogs on our block began to howl! Yeah. So. Bath time was just not going to happen like that again, because really, I love to be able to hear. And by that I mean hear something other than the ringing that lasted for several hours after the bath.
Why don't I remember this from when Girl X was a baby? Because when she was that small I made her take showers with me because even then, I liked to be able to hear. By the time she was to big to hold in the shower, she was cubby enough not to feel arctic during baths.
So, for 11 months Baby x has taken a shower, and loved it. At first it was with me because he was tiny and Mr X was terrified of holding anyone so tiny and breakable. The first time in the shower, he fell asleep. I'm washing his hair, and he fell asleep. Awwwww..... At least it was 'Awwww' until I took him out of the shower and wrapped him in a towel.
When he got to big for me to hold, Mr X took him in with him. It worked well for us. Baby X got clean and we kept our hearing.
But he is nearly 11 months old. So..... bath time. Right?

Step 1- Gather all bathing supplies. Tub, washcloth, towel, hand towel (for your knees when you're kneeling on the floor begging baby to please not throw the ducky at you again), baby wash and toys.
Step 2- after sticking baby tub to bottom of big tub, fill with mildly warm water and toys. Announce to Baby X that it's bath time.
Step 3- Pull Baby X out from underneath your bed where he went to hide upon hearing the words 'bath' and 'time' spoken in reference to him. See Cat laughing at you. Remind yourself to set Baby X loose on him later.
Step 4- attempt to undress Baby X. *Refer to How To Dress Your Mobile Baby- and imagine it in reverse. October archives, 'shake it off'*
Step 5- Call for help from Mr X.
Step 6- 20 minutes have passed before you can get Baby X undressed and the water is now cold. Empty tub and refill with warm water.
Step 7- track down Baby X in your room. Grin evilly when you notice he is sitting on Cat. Payback is a bare baby butt on your head.
Step 8- After placing Baby in the tub, sitting upright in the seat, hand him a rubber ducky which he promptly throws at your head. And then laughs hysterically.
Step 9- After foolishly giving back the ducky, 9 times, realize you aren't going to win and remove the ducky from his reach.
Step 10- Wet Baby's hair with a cup. Tell him to stop trying to drink the bath water. Giggle when he manages to lift one eyebrow at you ala The Rock.
Step 11- Wash hair. Work up such a good lather that it becomes imperative to shape Baby X's hair into various hair-dos. Horns, spikes, side waves and a mohawk. Rock on little dude!
Step 12- Take washcloth and begin to try to wash Baby.
Step 13- Pry washcloth from baby X's hand and wash arm.
Step 14- Repeat step 13 until all parts have been washed.
Step 15- Sputter as baby X figures out that slamming his hands down makes the water go everywhere. Like in your face and mouth.
Step 16- In a desperate attempt to get Baby X to stop splashing, return rubber ducky.
Step 17- Quickly begin to rinse Baby X, dodging the flying duck as you go.
Step 18- Sigh and resign yourself to getting soaked when Baby X learns it's fun to slam the Ducky into the water and really make mommy wet.
Step 19- Lift Baby X from the water and wrap up into a big fluffy towel.
Step 20- Giggle at his monster face and grab a towel to dry yourself off a bit as well.
Step 21- Refer to *How to Change/Dress Your Mobile Baby*
Step 22- Pass Baby X to Mr X and pass out from sheer exhaustion and swear that you are never doing that again.

30 minutes prep time (includes undressing the monster), 30 minutes to dry both of you and get him dressed, 10 minutes to clean up. All for the 2 minutes it actually took me to wash him.