Tuesday, April 15, 2008

One Moment

It's been rather hectic lately, dear baby. I know that this has disrupted your schedule a bit and since our lives are normally rather hectic, well, we have tested the very limits of your good nature and found them to be fairly far reaching. We have been running back and forth, place to place. Your car seat has certainly exceeded it's mileage and yet you've taken it all in stride. This week your father needed surgery and has been lounging about, unable to run you wild around the house ( something you previously rewarded him for with loud giggles) as crutches have turned out to be a bit prohibitive to his normal routine. The only form of stress we've seen from you is your sudden need to snuggle a bit more, your need to be held just a bit longer; something I've been happy to indulge.
You've been sleeping through the night since I realized that why yes! That crib we bought is an excellent place for you to sleep and of course that's what it's for! I've kicked myself quite a bit for not realizing it sooner.
So when you woke me up last night at 2 am, I was a bit surprised. And as we rocked in the quiet dark of your room, it struck me that these days are passing far too quickly for me. I remember being impatient with your brother and sister when they were smaller, wishing they would just go to sleep already because I was just so very tired. I don't know what it is that has changed; I was certainly tired last night when you woke me. Maybe it's that you are to be our last. Or maybe I've simply mellowed.
When you laid your head on my shoulder and reached your arm up around the other side of my neck, and all was right with my world. I could feel your breath on my neck as you settled into my arms. I knew you were falling asleep and I should just put you back in your crib so you could sleep.
Instead, I kept rocking.
I could smell the honey from your shampoo. I could feel how warm and secure you were. I could feel your heart beating it's little rhythm against mine. It felt so right to just be in that moment and scary to realize how soon you will refuse me those moments. I promise to take advantage of them each time they come.
The street light flickered outside your window and you shifted a bit in my arms. You sighed and I kept rocking.
I wondered if my own mother had ever spent a night like this with me. Your grandmother and I did not have the best of relationships, but I like to think that she loved me as much as she was capable of loving someone else. I hope, for her, that she did feel what I felt last night... what I feel for each of my children.... that undefinable love. It's what gives me hope when I watch the news and there is nothing but tales of the awful things people will do to each other.
I watched the minutes pass on the clock and knew, again, I should put you in your crib.
We rocked back and forth and I smiled.
I hope you wake me again tonight.