Thursday, October 06, 2005

Shake it off

In an effort to lighten the mood here, I'm going to post something I learned this past week. Feel free to laugh at me. I did. Eventually.

How To Dress A Moving Baby

Baby X has become quite mobile. Now more commando style crawling. He is up on his knees tearing through the house at lightening speed. He's also very adept at pulling his happy little butt to stand up on, well, everything. This has made diaper changes and dressing an effort in futility. At first it wasn't so bad because I could hand him a toy and he'd be "Oh wow! A toy! What does it do? What does it taste like? If I throw it at Mom will it make noise. No, she made noise though. Throw it again. Throw it again. Throw it again. Oh what? I'm done? I can go now? Great!"
But now, throwing things at me has lost some of it's novelty. I don't make that funny squeaky noise like the cat does.
Here is our typical morning:
Step one: Pull Baby X out from underneath the bed and assure cat that fur will in fact grow back. Dodge sharp teeth. Close gate after Dog so Dog does not get same treatment. Pry fur from Baby X's hand. Enter Baby X's room.

Step two: gather diapers, lotion, wipes, clothes and socks. Stop Baby X from eating nightlight. Tell Girl X she better go eat before the bus gets here.

Step three: Smile at Baby X as he smiles back. Baby X notices clothes and diaper and lotion and socks. Chase Baby X down the hall with above stated necessities. Stop Baby X from eating a shoe left on the floor.

Step four: Return from nailing shoe to the ceiling out of Baby X's reach to find Baby X gleefully emptying the recycle bin. Ask Girl X why she didn't stop him. Glare as she laughs "He was having fun." Mutter "Someday you'll have kids just like you". Cry when you realize your dad said the same thing to you.

Step five: After putting recyclables back in bin, bring Baby X into the living room where you put the stash of necessities. Realize you forgot the wipes. Send Girl X for them because you know if you don't, you will return to find Baby X chewing on the Cat's tail.

Step six: Smile at Baby X and begin to remove pajamas. Know that you are in for it when he just smiles back.

Step 7: Lay Baby X down and hand him a toy. Prepare diaper and wipes. Announce that you are 'going in'. Snicker when Girl X says "That's gross!"
Open the diaper and quickly agree with Girl X.

Step 8: Put one hand on Baby X and beg him not to move. He smiles at you and then Monsters.

Step 9: After scrubbing your hands with hot hot water and industrial strength soap, grab the carpet cleaner and hope that it works. Toss dirty diaper and the rag used to scrub the carpet in the trash.

Step 10: Wrestle Cat's tail out of Baby X's mouth. Attempt to remove cat hair from Baby X's mouth.

Step 11: Lay Baby X down and hand him a toy. Watch as toy flies out of Baby X's hand and nails Cat in the head. Make a mental note to give extra treat to Cat. Begin to apply lotion. While applying lotion, continuously flip Baby X back over on his back and sing songs as he tries to get away.

Step 12: Lotion has been applied to one leg and the opposite foot. Give up because it's just not going to happen.

Step 13: Grab Baby X's leg and begin to fit through pant leg. Grab other leg and try to put through other pant leg. Repeat 6 times.

Step 14: Quickly stand Baby X up and bounce him into his pants as he rips out chunks of your hair. (What does this kind have against hair??)

Step 15: Lay Baby X down to snap his pants. Repeat 4 times.

Step 16: Grab shirt and chase after Baby X. Attempt to put shirt on Baby X as Baby X plays with the buttons on the TV.

Step 17: Attempt to put shirt on Baby X as he vaults after his sister.

Step 18: Shirt is half on. Call it a compromise and pick up the socks. Get them on as Baby X crawls down the hall.

Step 19: 2 minutes later, see that Baby X has pulled both socks off and is eating them. Shrug shoulders and let it go.

It amazes me that this kid isn't naked, like, always. I must be inept or something right? People, really, this kid hates clothes. Clothes, socks, shoes, hats. Just doesn't want to wear them. He figured out how to take his pants off now too. Once he can get his shirt off, forget it. I hope he grows out of it. Secretly, I have this fear that he will be going to school in his batman underroos and nothing else because I just can't get him to stay fully dressed.

Next time: How to Feed A Mobile Baby

Till then, wave if you see me. I'm easy to spot. I'm the half bald woman with the naked baby.