Thursday, May 17, 2007

Wimp

I like denial. It's a game I play and I am good. Like, Olympic gold kind of good.
In my defense, it's gotten me through these past months of pregnancy in one piece. It's kept me off my bathroom floor at 3 am crying. It's kept me from spending every waking moment of these pregnancy not asking about the 'what ifs?'
But it's also made me a very unfair kind of person. It's made me someone I don't particularly like very much.
It's the hermit in me. It's my inability to trust my own judgement and to believe that my friends do actually care about me and won't think I'm an idiot for being scared.
It's made me avoid people and make excuses for why I'm not around or why I can't go out when really.... I totally could.
But if I'm perfectly honest with myself, and to be frank I'm not a very good liar in even my best moments, I'm petrified.
I'm in my Black Year again just waiting for things to go wrong. Because I know that they can. They have before.
And because there is still a part of me that doesn't believe I deserve to be a mother. That I've done too many bad things to have the right to any bit of happiness. And, aside from this insane fear, I am happy.
I have the one thing I always wanted but my mother was certain I couldn't. I have a family. I have a husband who loves me and would do anything to make me happy. I have beautiful, happy kids who never have to wonder if they're loved.
So why am I so sure that it's going to be taken from me?
I do my best to remember that my Dr is unconcerned, for the moment, with my contractions. I do my best to remember that I am feeling the baby move (constantly) and stretch (why yes, that is a rib). That alone should give me some piece of mind.
Instead I rely heavily on denial.
Something that I cannot do if I have to talk regularly to the people who know me best and are outside the worry.
I joke about my husband's concern because to admit that I share it means that there isn't anyone who can assure us, and that would leave me on my bathroom floor again and I can't do it.
I count down the days and just hope it goes quickly and pray that it will be alright.
And I hope that the people I've neglected won't hate me when it's over.

2 comments:

Haphazardkat said...

I'd be a complete wreck the entire 9 months of pregnancy. I adopted my son at birth. I'm not sure I could ever have gone through the emotional rollercoaster of pregnacy. Kudo's to you and your amazing strength :)

Irish Goddess said...

Oh, sweetie. You have NOT "done too many bad things to have the right to any bit of happiness". I don't even know you personally, but I KNOW this. And I know you are just expressing your darkest thoughts and fears, and those are not always rational... but please, try not to be so hard on yourself. That fact that you are so afraid shows how deeply you feel and love - you are a GREAT woman, full of compassion and love and humor. You deserve every good thing. I know my writing doesn't have the power to change your mind, but the next time those scary thoughts come to your head, remember that there are people out here who are saying "you ARE good. You DO deserve this" and are hoping and praying, in our own ways, that it all comes to you.