Thursday, March 22, 2007


When the nurse handed Breanna to me for the first time, I was overwhelmed with the not only with the love I felt for this tiny pink bundle of girl, but by the responsibility I suddenly had to another human being.
Sometimes I still am.
I wonder if I'm telling her enough, if I'm teaching her enough. Will she remember all the things I've taught her? Will she remember to run and scream if a stranger tries to grab her? Will she remember to wrap herself to the stranger's legs if they should get a hold of her? Will she remember to be wary of strangers and forget the manners I've instilled in her? Will she remember the talks we've had about smoking? Alcohol? Drugs? Peer pressure and bullying? What about the little bit I've told about sex and waiting?
Mostly I wonder if I can tell her everything she needs to know while still letting her have some of that beautiful childhood naivete. It's such a fine, thin balance but I think it's important to maintain some semblance of that line for as long as I can.
I'm always aware of what I share here about her and I there are certainly plenty of things that I've wanted to talk about, but can't because it wouldn't be fair to her.
Having a family that constantly throws mistakes I made as a child back at me now, years later, I don't want these days to haunt her as an adult. It sucks and there are only so many times you can apologize for that time you left a few cubes of cheese in your room until it smelled so bad every one thought they were going to die. I was 7.
There are things going on now that I so desperately need to talk about and get feedback on but I can't.
So instead, we continue on as we are. Trying to find new solutions, new ways to deal with it.
I question my boundaries in regards to her every day. Even as I type this I am wary of the things I say. I've deleted several paragraphs because it's just too much.
Do you ever wonder if you've crossed a line when it comes to sharing either with or about your child? Even if it's not on your blog. What about with your friends or family? (And hell no, I'm not sharing any of this with my family because I'll be damned if they do to her what they do to me!)


Patti said...

I think about this constantly. I was raised by a perfect mother so my every mistake was amplified to grotesque proportions. Now I purposefully draw attention to my mistakes so that my own children will see that they are normal parts of living.

But in my quest to show them how perfectly normal it is to screw things up, am I harming them in the completely opposite way my Mom did? I have no idea.

It's funny you should ask this since I've been asking myself this same question recently and wrote about it on my little piece of the world.

In the end we do the best we can with what we have and hope it's enough.

Jay said...

It's natural that you question yourself. If you didn't, you'd probably be one of those self-absorbed mothers...but clearly, you have her best interest at heart. Sure it's hard sometimes, we all have touchy, private subjects, but you do what you can, and when it feels hard, then take solace that you're doing what's best, and what's kind.

Jenny said...

I totally make a big deal about my own mistakes to make others feel comfortable. I'm sure I'll do the same with Hailey.

We're all human. We all make mistakes.

Mrs.X said...

Patti- I don't have a problem with letting her know she's made a mistake, but once she's apologized or corrected it, I let it go. I also let her know when I've made a mistake and that it's ok. That's what drives me nuts about my family. And now I can't even ask for advice from them because it always comes back to something I did as a kid and how this is just 'payback'. It's exhausting!

Jay- Thank you!

Jenny- See Patti above!