Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Don't Speak

One of the reasons I've been hesitant to come out of the 'blogging closet' (hee!) is the loss of not my anonymity, but of the people I talk about. Most of the time I don't care. I have no intention of ratting out which neighbor plays air guitar to Kelly Clarkson's songs in his garage when he thinks no one can see him. But the people I can't really hide?
Sure I could put up a bunch of 'Keep Off the Grass' signs but when has that ever worked?
I've spoken before about my mother-in-law and her issues. I've deleted posts about her too because even when this blog was anonymous, I felt a certain amount of guilt about having her flaws relayed for all to see.
I genuinely believe that she is a good person. But I think that her issues have taken over her life, her family's life, and now my family's life and that makes it really hard not to feel some anger towards her.
I know she cannot help being sick, but I am frustrated that she will not get help. I am frustrated that her family won't make her get help.
I am angry that just when things should be good, just when things are calm, the phone rings and here we go again. I am angry at the things she says to my husband, her son, that make his eyes droopy, his shoulders sag, and ages him.
I am angry that I can't really talk about it because she's not my mom and it's not my place.
I am sad for her and the things that she feels, the things that make her afraid, angry, depressed. I am sad that she has always been like this, and most likely always will.
I am afraid for her, for what will happen if nothing changes.
It's exhausting dealing with an illness that no one will admit too.


Jenny said...

Family. So difficult...so wonderful. So human.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this and I can totally relate to the MIL issue although mine doesn't have an excuse of being sick. I just remind myself that she's teaching me patience. If I can have patience with her I'll be able to deal with anything a teenage Hailey dishes out.

Katie (PAL) said...

Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts! Like I said on that other board yesterday, I've seen mental illness and how it can tear loved ones to pieces. Tons of hugs!

Mrs.X said...

Patience I can handle, it's empathy I'm starting to lose and that makes me feel like a real heel.