One of the reasons I've been hesitant to come out of the 'blogging closet' (hee!) is the loss of not my anonymity, but of the people I talk about. Most of the time I don't care. I have no intention of ratting out which neighbor plays air guitar to Kelly Clarkson's songs in his garage when he thinks no one can see him. But the people I can't really hide?
Sure I could put up a bunch of 'Keep Off the Grass' signs but when has that ever worked?
I've spoken before about my mother-in-law and her issues. I've deleted posts about her too because even when this blog was anonymous, I felt a certain amount of guilt about having her flaws relayed for all to see.
I genuinely believe that she is a good person. But I think that her issues have taken over her life, her family's life, and now my family's life and that makes it really hard not to feel some anger towards her.
I know she cannot help being sick, but I am frustrated that she will not get help. I am frustrated that her family won't make her get help.
I am angry that just when things should be good, just when things are calm, the phone rings and here we go again. I am angry at the things she says to my husband, her son, that make his eyes droopy, his shoulders sag, and ages him.
I am angry that I can't really talk about it because she's not my mom and it's not my place.
I am sad for her and the things that she feels, the things that make her afraid, angry, depressed. I am sad that she has always been like this, and most likely always will.
I am afraid for her, for what will happen if nothing changes.
It's exhausting dealing with an illness that no one will admit too.