Tuesday, September 05, 2006

How To Dress Your Mobile Baby Turned Toddler

The rules have completely changed. I have bruises up and down my arms to prove it. So, in an effort to make it easier for you and maybe show that I have reason to be as completely crazed as I am.................

Step One: Gather supplies in one central location. If at all possible, be in an area that will make escape difficult if not impossible. Like a prison cell. Or a cage.

Step Two: Pull Hurricane out from under his bed.

Step Three: Chase Hurricane down the hall begging him to please stop.

Step Four: Unclench Hurricane's fist from Cat's tail.

Step Five: Carry Hurricane kicking and screeching to the changing cage, er... room.

Step Six: Begin to remove pajamas, dodge kicking feet (and can someone please explain how a child weighing less than 30 pounds can kick like he's a horse? My arms are so bruised I look like I had an accident with Easter dye.) and try to throw clothing into the waiting laundry basket.

Step Seven: Miss the laundry basket by 4 feet, get bruised for your efforts. Don't worry, no one will notice the bruise thanks to the 50 others currently covering your arms.

Step Eight: Say a silent prayer and remove diaper.

Step Nine: Try to sing over Hurricane's screaming in a lame attempt to distract him from the fact that you are changing his diaper.

Step Ten: Poke the hell out of your fingers trying to pin the cloth diaper closed without jabbing those adorably chunky thighs currently kicking the crap out of you.

Step Eleven: Bandage bloody fingers.

Step Twelve: Place diaper cover over right foot.

Step Thirteen: Place diaper cover over right foot.

Step Fourteen: Hold diaper cover out of Hurricane's eye sight and grit teeth.

Step Fifteen: Quickly rush cover over both feet at once while singing Elmo's Number 5 rap and pray that no one is outside listening through the open window.

Step Sixteen: Curse the diaper cover you are still holding in your hand as Hurricane smiles angelically at you.

Step Seventeen: Turn your back to Hurricane and lay over his waist. Slowly slip cover over his feet and then quickly pull it up.

Step Eighteen: Stick out tongue at Hurricane and do little victory dance.

Step Nineteen: Get smacked in head with diaper cover that Hurricane removed while you were doing the victory dance.

Step Twenty: Take a coffee break.

Step 21: Bite inner cheek as Hurricane slips diaper cover on by himself.

Step 22: Pick up shirt and eye Hurricane warily. He smiles.

Step 23: Pull shirt down as Hurricane tries to rip shirt off.

Step 24: Speak rapidly about getting dressed so that you can go to the park and have cookies and chocolate milk and play with Elmo.

Step 25: Lean over Hurricane as you try to bend his arm into the sleeve.

Step 26: Repeat step 25 for the other side.

Step 27: Stare miserably at shorts.

Step 28: Wish shorts could magically put themselves on.

Step 29: Contemplate painting on Hurricane's shorts.

Step 30: Pry Hurricane off the dresser he has just scaled.

Step 31: Repeat steps 12 through 20 twice.

Step 32: Hand shorts to Hurricane hoping he will repeat step 21.

Step 33: Remove shorts from head where Hurricane proudly threw them.

Step 34: Tackle Hurricane and lay on his legs as you yank shorts on.

Step 35: Hold Hurricane upside down while pulling shorts on the rest of the way.

Step 36: Curse shoes.

Step 37: Eat a snickers mini bite.

Step 38: Bribe Hurricane with a cookie and break the world record for putting on shoes.

Step 39: Take a nap.

3 comments:

Jenny said...

Hee! I bet you'd never suspect a day would have come when you'd curse shoes, huh?

Jay said...

Seems like one good punch to the jaw should knock him out.

Oh I know, I know, you're not supposed to punch out your children.

Mrs.X said...

It's hard to curse them and also thank them for being velcro because I cannot imagine trying to tie his damn shoes too.

Maybe not punch him out but would a little shot of whiskey in his sippy cup be so damn bad?