Monday, August 07, 2006

I Learned A Lesson Here (But I Probably Won't Remember It)

I finally get up enough energy to post one giant recap and be done with it and the stupid picture thingy isn't working. So. Damn it.
Instead I will tell you the very stupid thing I did today for I am so very damn stupid.

Today I thought it would be fun to walk half a block to get the mail. With Hurricane. And a puppy.
A puppy who does not understand this whole 'walking on a leash' thing. A toddler who thinks is perfectly acceptable to help himself to neighbor's garages.
It started off well enough. Hurricane held my hand and smiled, chattering mindlessly about what I am certain involved quantum physics and why that means he is owed exactly 4.6 cookies to date. I half dragged Mishka in the other hand while carrying a plastic bag (for poop. ew. except that yes, because I am naively hoping that a certain neighbor will see me cleaning up puppy poop and realize that it sucks to have her dog poop in my driveway everytime he gets loose) and mailbox key.
2 houses away, Mishka realized that we were away from the house and there were lots of interesting new smells to sniff and flies to eat (and ohmygod can we discuss this eating thing in a bit? Because seriously! Damn!) and she ran in between my legs knocking me on my ass (1).
Hurricane laughed (and that's why you're not getting those 4.6 cookies you little bugger) and I pretended I had some dignity as I pried my ass off the sidewalk.
I gave Mishka my best withering sneer.
She panted and wagged her tail.
We continued.
Mishka did not.
I tugged on the leash and she simply stared at me.
I started to walk towards her and she took off running. So now I have one arm stretched out in front (who knew a puppy could be so strong?) to the point that I think I may have gained an inch and I'm leaning over on the other side a bit so I can hold onto Hurricane. Great. I look like a fucking hobbit.
Mishka decided to change course and ran full circle behind me, cutting Hurricane off at the knees so that he fell flat on his diapered butt (2).
I now owe him 4.6 cookies.
We finally made it to the mailbox where I realized that I am even stupider (it's a word now, shut up) than I originally thought. I had to let go of Hurricane to get the mail out. I also had to figure out how to carry the mail, the keys, the bag of poop, the leash and Hurricane back to the house without dropping anything or ending up on my ass, on the bag of poop.
So I thought I'd just let Hurricane walk with me without holding my hand.
He took this to mean that it would be perfectly fine to run into a stranger's garage and fondle their riding mower.
Prying him off of that thing while begging Mishka to please not eat through the bag of poop was not exactly the way I had imagined meeting these people, but I really should not have been surprised.
I tucked the mail under my arm and prayed that it wouldn't end up all over the street, slid the loop of the poop bag over my wrist (please don't let me fall on it!), shoved the leash and the collar in one hand and continued hobbit walking home with Hurricane in the other hand.
I made back to my side of the street and 5 feet away before Mishka took another pass at my legs. I freaked about the poop bag and threw my arm out thereby scattering my mail all over the street before landing on my ass (3). Again.
I told all of this to a friend who asked me why I didn't also take Auggie, wonder-mutt extraordinaire. Yes, because nothing could have made this excursion better like taking my pissed off cone-wearing snob of a dog.
We are no longer friends.

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