Please Tell Me She Snores.

The Girl had her martial arts thing today. Hurricane and I sat off to the side, half watching. Mostly he tried to run out there and join her.

Finally I gave up trying to hold him back and strapped him to his high chair. For my effort I was treated to the Glare and Growl. I say growl but really? It's funny. Unless you've seen The Grudge, Then not so much. Because you know the part where the wet misshapen Asian girl opens her mouth and makes that guttural noise? Hurricane does an excellent impression that sends ice water down my spine.

In an effort to distract him I ran my fingers up and down his back through the fabric of the umbrella stroller. He is so very ticklish and his back is one of the worst spots.

He squealed and his eyes got wide.

I did it again.

He jumped and laughed. I started laughing too and then it happened.

I snorted.

Yes. I sometimes snort when I laugh. In fact, if I'm really laughing, there's going to be a snort in there somewhere.

Most of the time I can disguise it. Or it's soft enough that no one notices.

This was not one of those times. This was one of those times that one of those 'perfect' moms had to be nearby and of course heard me. And laughed and of course told her equally perfect husband who looked at me and smirked.

She was lean, platinum blonde, perfect teeth, manicured nails and impeccably dressed.

The type that makes me feel as though I've been playing in my mother's makeup.

And I snort when I laugh. Dork.

Things My Mother Never Told Me

Boy is that ever a loaded title. I think it would be a shorter post to simply put down the things she did tell me. Hmm. Maybe the things she told me that were useful. Yes. That would be a very brief post.

Perhaps a more appropriate title would have been "Things Other Mothers Probably Didn't Tell Their Daughters About Parenthood That Maybe Would Have Been Helpful. Or Not. But We'll Never Know Because They Didn't Tell Us."
But I don't think that title would have fit so well. You get the point. (shut up dumbass!- Says me. To me.)

*It will soon seem perfectly normal to have a child climbing into your lap as attempt to pee.

*Boys need to be pointed south.

*If you do not point them south, you will get very wet very quickly.

*An 8 year old can demolish a bathroom in 3 minutes flat given the proper motivation and the aid of a toddler armed with a rubber ducky and a love of toilets and flushing.

*Rubber duckies do not fit down the toilet. But they can get stuck just enough to cause a flood.

*Silence is scary. It means the children have found something interesting (Read: destructive) to do. Sometimes the screaming is a good thing.

*Cats don't like oatmeal. Not even if it's blue and made in one of your kitchen drawers by one very bored child.

*Children repeat the one word you wish they hadn't heard. Often at the most unfortunate moment. Like at your grandparent's anniversary dinner when she (3 at the time) asks your grandmother to pass the fucking rice. Be grateful grandma can't hear well.

*Children have the uncanny ability to physically harm you when you least expect it. Like the head butting thing I mentioned before? The one where you think it's entirely possible that your toddler just broke your nose? Or when they actually do break your glasses? (Yes. He did.)

*When it comes to food, kids can be damn picky. They will not eat simply because you told them too. Yes, mixed vegetable have to be separated before this one will eat them. That one won't eat anything on the plate if there is even a hint of vegetable in there. This one won't eat things that are red. That one will only eat things that can be made into finger food.

*Kids can also be extremely possessive of said food. Like when the girl stabbed her grandpa in the hand with her fork when he tried to take a bite of her pancake. Or when version 2.0 took a bite out of girl for taking a bite out of his ice cream.

*Kids know what the ice cream truck is on instinct. It doesn't matter how many times you tell them that music is for the vegetable truck, they know.

*Children like sticking stuff in holes. Cover your nose or you'll get woken up when one of them decides to shove one of your tampons (which they really loved unwrapping and dipping into the toilet first) up your nostril. Nothing like a little toilet water in your nose to start your day.

*A child who can memorize 3 Shel Silverstein poems in 2 days for a theater camp production will not remember to flush a toilet even though you have been begging her for 2 years to please for pete's sake flush!

*Toothpaste to child is as paint to Picasso. (Also, according to Sarcastic Journalist, poop. Thank you dear Lord for sparing me on this one.)

*Pen does not easily come out of most flooring.

*You will, on occasion, lose your shit.

*Kids like to bang their heads on things. Hard. It's loud and will freak you out but will not cause any brain damage. I hope. (and I also kind of hope that it isn't just my kids who do this because otherwise. Shit.)

*It doesn't matter where you hide that really loud annoying toy. They will find it. Even if you wrap it up in plastic bags and bury it in the garbage bag under the 'leftovers' from your MIL's house.

The Dark Side

My kids look sweet and, most of the time, are so very well-mannered in public.

Internet?

It is a giant hideous lie!

I can leave them in the living room happily playing together and step 5 feet into the kitchen only to be treated to screaming and the sounds of hell opening up at their feet the moment I am out of their range of vision.

Sure there are moments of peace. Most often between the hours of 8 pm and 7 am. But even occasionally while they are awake and *gasp* together!

It is during these rare moments that they are plotting to destroy whatever grasp on my sanity I may have left.

Today was an especially bad day.

*Hurricane decided to bite himself for once. I can only hope that he has finally learned that biting hurts and he's not going to do it to other people anymore. In the meantime, he has a lovely imprint of his top and bottom teeth on his arm. I asked him what he did and he pointed directly at his sister who imploded on the spot. But since I know her to have a rather big mouth and this was a little bite, I knew he was simply doing what siblings have been doing since the beginning of time, looking to get the other one in trouble for nothing.

*I sent them into the backyard to play because I couldn't take the screaming anymore and thought it would be nice to share it with the neighborhood. There is a mound of rocks back there that Mr X is supposed to be using to line the garden boxes but instead it has become the kids domain. I was working in the kitchen where I could keep on eye on things. It had been quiet for awhile so I figured that Girl X must have buried Hurricane under the mound.
I looked up in time to see Hurricane throw a rock at his sister's head.
Girl X responded by telling him she was going to feed him to his Elmo slippers.

*I thought maybe they needed some time apart. That lasted all of 5 minutes before Girl X was begging to play with her brother again.

5 minutes later she was trying to steal his car from him so he chucked it at her head.

He has really good aim.

*As I was making dinner, they started again. Hurricane was content to sit at the table and play with his car. Girl X decided she liked his seat better so she simply sat down and slid him off the chair.
He screamed and threw a car at her head. Again.

Once she started screaming at him and he started screaming back, I lost it.

I started slamming the frying pan down on the stove and just screaming over them.

They both stopped and just looked at me.

"STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!"
I had to leave the room. I was crying and on the verge of just snapping at them both and I didn't want to do that.

I had to lock myself in the bathroom and when Girl X came to tell me she was "hungry and what's for dinner hurricane hit me are you coming out what are you doing mom are youinthereareyouokcanIhaveacookiewhen
isdaddygettinghomemoooommmmm????"

"Mom is on a time out. Go away."

I love my kids. Most of the time I even love being a mom. I'm usually pretty laid back. But every now and then, my mother gets into my head and starts speaking through my mouth and she will not shut up.

That's my biggest fear. That I will be her and my kids will hate me.

Conversations in the car

Me: "Can we count popcorn as a vegetable?"

Mr X: "No."

"Why not? It's corn."

"Yeah but once you pop it, it loses it's vegetability."

"It loses its... vege.. vegeta.. ve-wha?"

"Vegetability."

"That's not a word."

"It is now."

"That makes it sound like vegetables have super powers."

"That would make a really cool Halloween costume."

"Have you been eating expired yogurt again?"

"Not this week. But really, think about it. I bet there's a way to start off in a corn kernel costume then like, pull a cord and have it explode into popcorn. Like BAM! Gimme some candy or I'll pop! and then go back to a kernel before you get to the next house."

"Tell me something."

"What?"

"How the hell did you ever get me to marry you?"

"I didn't say this kind of stuff when we were dating."

"Oh yeah."

"I don't know where I'm going."

"You must have lost your vegetability."

From the backseat:

"Promise me that you two will never speak to my friends."

Which means we have filled our obligation as parents. Our daughter is embarrassed by us. Yay us!

Kicking and Screaming

I told Mr X that his birthday (which was yesterday and he is 37 and I totally didn't forget. Really.) present from me was tickets to go see BB freaking King.
Right now he's in Arizona working. Again.
First he asked how much the tickets were.
I cringed. Because really? Week's worth of groceries and I almost had second thoughts but I don't care. I'll sell a damn kidney.
Then he asked what time it started.
8 pm.
Silence.
"Isn't that kind of late for Hurricane?"
"No, he won't be there."
Then he asked how far away it was and I spoke as quickly as I possibly could so that maybe he wouldn't notice that I said 2 hours which would mean that we'd be gone basically all night.
That's when he pretended that his cell phone was cutting out.
So I hung up and called his sister to ask her to watch the kids for the night of the concert.
By the time Mr X finally called me back, it was set.
I am going to see BB freaking King and he's going with me. End of story. Sort of.
Except for the part where I'll have to drug him and then have him carried out to the car to be driven to the show and possibly cuffed to the table.

I think after what it took for me to actually get the tickets I should be able to not have to fight about it.

Because I had to pick up the phone and push buttons and talk to actual real life people. And if you had heard me today, you would maybe be thinking that it was my first time using the phone. Because I said stupid things like "If I could I'd bear his children" or "Do you think he'd mind if I sat in his lap while he sang?" or "Um, hi. I'd like um to BB Freaking King tickets um buy now. I have um visa. Or a kidney."

So, if you answered the phone today and thought that maybe you were talking to someone who was perhaps mentally challenged, I'm sorry. That was just me.

Before the Thrill is Gone.

I have been dancing around the house all night. I can't stop. Mr X had to hold me down because I wouldn't stop jumping up and down and he feared that I might give myself a concussion if I hit the wall with my head again. What? You don't bang your various body parts (unintentionally of course) on the walls when you dance?

Really?

Well. Anyway.

So excited, danger to myself, ok, we're all caught up.

Because I am going to go and see BB Freaking King in concert in August!!

Sorry- still jumping. I'm just so damned excited! See, every time I've ever had a chance to go see him, something has come up. This time? I don't care if Mr X cuts his arm off on the way, we're tournequeting that thing and enjoying the damned concert even if I have to dose him with valium to stifle his crying.

But that's not really the issue.

The issue is that we have never left Hurricane in the care of another person.

And it's not because of me.

It's Mr X.

At first I thought maybe he felt sorry for the person who would have to watch him. Yesterday Hurricane pulled a shelving unit down on his sister (She's totally fine) and there is that whole plot to destroy the house thing he has going on. But I thought with proper warning, a plan and maybe a toddler sized straight jacket they'd be fine.

No.

So, I thought maybe it's the lack of trustworthy people? My parents are too far away and his parents, um, I can't even complete that without laughing. Seriously. We just saw them this weekend and I couldn't even look at her face because she had painted her eyebrows purple.
Yes. Purple.
How can you leave your child in the care of a woman who would do that to their eyebrows? And I must point out that it wasn't like she had plucked her eyebrows and then filled them in with a little purple. No. She had actually painted purple arched eyebrows over her real ones.
I'm afraid Hurricane would return looking like Barney.
Also? She scares him.
And me.
Back on track.
Trustworthy people.
His sister. She's awesome and would be completely capable of watching him. Also? Friends of ours who he loves and I sometimes think would like to adopt would be great and perfectly willing.

No.

It's him. Mr X.

He simply cannot stand the thought of someone else taking care of him.
He is trying to convince me that the only way he can go is if he can take his phone and maybe spend the concert under the table talking to Hurricane.
Or perhaps sneaking him into the concert with us.
Or I should just go by myself or maybe take a friend and wouldn't our new neighbor like to see BB freaking King?

I think the only reasonable solution is to club him over the head and drag him in there. I will handcuff him to his chair and hold the phone. If necessary, I will duct tape his mouth shut.

Unless you have a better idea?

Motorin'

In our marriage, Mr X is the Big Spender. EBay is my personal nightmare. I am on a first name basis with the UPS, Fed-Ex and USPS drivers. They bring bones for Dog. I think they fear that he will bite them. I have had to refrain from telling them that they need only fear leaving in need of a towel from the shower of drool he wishes to bestow upon them.
I like to save our money for things like, bills. Food. Clothes for the kids. College. Extra money that could be put towards savings. Oh Savings!! Screw Brad Pitt, in my fantasies the knight on the white horse is a padded savings account. And while we have one, I always look at it and think about how long it will be before we can pad it just a bit more.
Mr X likes EBay. He sees that little Buy Now! button in his sleep. I woke him up last night because he was laughing in his sleep. He had been dreaming about buying The Packers on EBay and he had the winning bid. I'm not entirely sure how to react to the reality that he was more excited about having the winning bid than the Packers. I don't think he even noticed me making out with Brett Favre.
Which perhaps explains his inability to walk away from the tricycle at Toys-R-Us that we really didn't need yet but he had to buy because we had a $5 off coupon and it came with a free movie pass! So what if it cost $50 and I could have possibly bought 2 of them and Hurricane is 18 MONTHS AND CANNOT EVEN REACH THE PEDALS.

So, we bought a tricycle. And then thought maybe it's be funny to teach him to ride it. Except that, you know, he can't reach the pedals.

First up: Mental Preparation.
I am the tricycle! I am tough! I am MEAN! GRRRRR!

Step 2: Safety first!

I know it's kind of silly to put a helmet on a kid on a tricycle, but this is Hurricane. And about 2 seconds after this picture was taken, he fell backwards off the bike and landed on his head.

Step 3: Concentration.

Here he is concentrating on using his mind control to make Daddy push him up and down the street for 45 minutes.

Round 1- He scooted off the seat and walked the bike down the sidewalk. scoot scoot shuffle

Round 2- Sat him on the bike, physically placed his feet on the pedals. Feet do not reach the pedals.

"He'll grow into it! It's not too soon!" Mr X declares as he attempts to streeettccchh Hurricane's legs to the pedals.

And Hurricane rewarded him with a kick because he got pulled off the bike seat.

Round 3- Mr X gives up and resigns himself to walking hunched over for the next 6 months as he pushes our son up and down the hill.

Next week, we take the training wheels off of Girl X's bike and I get to take pictures of Mr X running behind her, holding onto the seat as she screams at him not to let go. This is immediately followed by her leaping off the bike while Mr X continues to run.

Proof That We Don't Love Her

Girl X has been begging for a year now to take some form of martial arts.

"Come on Dad! I'll be able to kick boys' butts when they try to hold my hand!"
"But Mom, it will be good for me to have that..... (Quickly scans paper) dis..eh...p.lll.in.... discipline! Yeah."
Damn. She really knows the right thing to say!
So, despite the fact that she frequently, unintentionally, kicks herself in the head, we acquiesced.
$87 later and she's standing in the grass with a new t-shirt and white belt kicking herself in the head (much to the dismay of her sensei) and imagining herself as the next Jackie Chan (I feel bad that I will have to tell her that Jackie is a man and not a woman as she firmly believes).
I sat off to the side and watched her kick, chop, bend and 'HIE!' for an hour. I thought about how she would be at the end of the 8 weeks and if maybe I shouldn't be teaching Hurricane some new form of self defense for when she begins to use him as her practice dummy.
And then it happened.

She bent to the reverse horse stance and fell over. Flat on her face.

Sorry kid. That's certainly an inherited trait.

Adding to my fear, the instructor (an entirely too enthusiastic man who enjoys exposing his chest hairs) informed us that the kids would eventually begin learning sword play.

My girl with a sharp object?

Someone is going to lose a limb!

We Read Winnie The Pooh One Too Many Times

Girl X has the most amazing organizational system. One that is completely incomprehensible to anyone but her.
While she is forever losing her sneakers, or her sweater (usually only realized at the very moment that the bus pulls up to our house resulting, more often than not, in my having to drive her to school as she puts on her sneakers/brushes her teeth/practices her spelling words), ask her where her favorite doll is and she will unearth it from the massive pile of toys she was using to replicate the Eiffel Tower.
Still, it makes me crazy.
Which is why we recently spent several hours cleaning up her room, returning toys to their proper shelves and dirty clothes to the laundry room as she bemoaned the fact that she would never be able to find anything what with it all being placed in it's proper space. Well, that and the fact that she would much rather have been plotting world domination.
As I pulled out her tub of Polly Pockets (I hate those things. More than Elmo. All those tiny clothes and tiny shoes frequently found in the wash...) and explained that she would need to sort through them all, removing the things that didn't belong, placing dolls and clothes in separate bins, I noticed her eyes roll back into her head and her body simply sag.
I smiled and went back to my pile and waited. I knew she was about to say something that would make it all worth it.

sigh

She looked at me sideways and gave me her very best puppy eyes.

"It's such a very big job, and I'm such a very, very small girl."


I simply smiled and she returned to her work, defeated.

Well Baby Mambo

Hurricane's Doctor appointments are a dance. And it's exhausting.

I love his Doctor. The receptionists love Hurricane, helped by the fact that he has been flirting with them since his first appointment. He loves to hold the hand of the brunette and babble softly to her and smile. The other he offers his belly and raises his eyebrows, extending his hand as an invitation to tickle that softly rounded tummy and hear him giggle.
The nurses. He is so wary of them for they bring those sharp things that hurt.
He likes to touch his Doctor's face, her cheek. Smiles. She speaks softly to him.
It's comforting to have somewhere to go when he is throwing up on me that won't freak him out.
Plus, the waiting room is always filled with grandparent types who think Hurricane is just the most prrressshhhhuss baby boy.
So, we get there for his check up and I was prepared. I had graham crackers to prevent a hungry meltdown, milk for a thirsty one and toys to keep him away from the dreaded chalk board that makes me sneeze.
He briefly flirted with his girlfriends but was more interested in getting over to the Toys! Glorious Toys! Toys we don't have at home so therefore they are so interesting!
For a moment he was content with the little beads on wire. And by moment I mean nano-second because his little eye was on the chalk the entire time. I could see his mind working out a plan to get to the chalk. Forbidden chalk.
I positioned myself directly in front of the forbidden chalk.
He signed for eat. I handed him a graham cracker and he smiled.
Two bites.
Throw the cracker.
As I went to pick it up, I saw him from the corner of my eye make a dash for the chalk.
Sucker.
He was superpissed (as opposed to his usual pissed) that I foiled The Plan! The Plan to get the Forbidden Chalk!

He lowered his head and glared up at me.

I can assure you, it is thoroughly uncomfortable to get eyed down by a toddler.

Sign for drink.

I hand him his milk.

He slowly walks away, drinking, smiling at the other people in the room.

Then he 'throws' (by which I mean he carefully sets himself down all while trying to make it look like he's getting ready for a fit, and I'm sorry but until you are willing to sacrifice yourself and do it right, I will not take those fits seriously young man) himself down and starts to 'cry' (all while looking back at me to see if I noticed). I had to see what he was going to do. Pus, the blue-hair group was starting to coo and 'aw-poor-baby' at him and I don't want him thinking that it's not normal for us to laugh at him when he falls.
So I picked him up and hugged him and rubbed his back.
He backed up and pointed to his milk.
As I went to pick it up, he made a beeline for the Forbidden Chalk! Woo-hoo!

So, he was supersuperpissed when I stopped him. Again.

Even more so when he stepped back, angrily pointing at me and yelling 'NONONO!' and I started laughing at him.

We finally got called back to the room.

23 lbs 3 oz and 31 1/2 inches tall at 18 months.

I wonder if he'll always so much smaller than other kids his age.

Then it's shot time. And he knew it because I wouldn't put his pants on.

The kid who loves to be naked kept handing me his pants and asking 'go go?' As if I would somehow forget all about the shots.

When the 2 nurses came in, he just turned and glared at me.

I lay him back on the table and felt myself getting anxious. I always do. As much as we laugh when they fall or kick themselves in the head, I always start crying when they get shots. I tried talking to him but he wanted nothing to do with me.
Well, until he felt the plunger actually go into chunky thigh.
Then, he would have done anything I asked if it meant I would just pick him up and kiss the booboos because ohmywhatthehellmommythatfreakinhurtImeanreally
whatdidIdotodeservethatIjust
wantedthedamnchalk!
After the left the room he instantly stopped crying and signed for eat.
See? Didn't hurt. I just wanted those evil women to feel bad. I think I made that one chick cry! Did you see that?
He touched the bandaids on his thighs and sniffed.
I put his clothes back on and we made our way back to the front.
And as I made our next appointment.............


He ate a piece of chalk.

Pessimistically Optimistic

Yup. That's fairly accurate to what I'm feeling now.
D-day. Er, DR day. I love his Dr. Not just because he's the bearer of, I don't really want to say good, but maybe understandable?, news. Hmm.

Anyway.

Mr X has Hepatitis B. Something very common in Vietnam, where he was born. Vaccines we take for granted here, not readily available there. Hepatitis is rampant. It's possibly why I cringe when I hear a parent proclaim themselves against vaccines. This smug part of me thinks moron because they don't realize how easy it would be for it to all go wrong. But that's a whole 'nother topic and not why I'm blogging on a weekend. Something I rarely do.

He got it as a child in Vietnam. We don't really know how as no one in his family has it. His Dr, a gastroenterologist, is a specialist in Hepatitis and believes that in some cases, it can be transmitted through saliva, not just blood. A common game in the orphanages then (can't say about now) was a spitting game. Gross, but not the point. Before his family moved here, they stayed in an orphanage for awhile.

When you get Hepatitis as an adult it's different. You either beat it, as I did it, or you die. No symptoms. No clue what's lurking there.

When you get it as a child, it's with you for life. However long that may be.
Then, you have two types. ENG positive or ENG negative (and forgive me if it's just a bit off, I'm still learning myself). A lot of what they know about Hepatitis B is theory. It's a theory that those who are ENG positive are worse off.
Mr X was ENG positive. His liver biopsy would have been acceptable for someone who was 75, but he is 36. So, not good.

But in the 9 weeks that we had to wait, the medicine, Hepsera, began to work.
He converted to ENG negative. A test of his blood showed that he went from a high viral load of Hepatitis DNA to no detectable trace. It's as close to a remission as possible with this disease. Except that he's always going to have it.
He has to stay on the medicine for at least a few years or it will just come back. His liver is scarred but without a detectable trace of the virus, it will begin to heal itself. How cool is that? An organ that can fix itself. Sort of.
No special diet. Also? No alcohol. He can't risk even the slightest bit of damage to his liver, but we already knew that. It's strange but, it's life as always for us.
It is still there, but it's not this dark cloud waiting to strike us down.

Random Bits: Technical Difficulties Edition

Because fuck! Yes. It's been that kind of a day. The kind where you have to walk around muttering fuck every few steps just so you don't bite the person standing beside you. And yes, that means I have reasserted myself as the neighborhood asshole. Fuck it.

*Last night, just as I was pondering how my toe finally felt better, it happened again. And it is Mr X's fucking fault. Again. Because for the 2nd time in like a month? I smashed my foot into something that he left lying around instead of putting away. Last time it was his suitcase. This time the treadmill which? Fucking hurt a whole hell of a lot worse. Although? Maybe that's because I already hurt my toe? Someone please do me a favor. Smash your foot into the hardest part of your suitcase. If you can, catch part of your toe on the wheel. Ok, now smash your other foot into the metal leg of a nordic track. Which one hurts more?
Everyone had gone to bed. I went to get on the computer. The light always takes a moment to come on. This time it came on in time for me to see just what the hell had taken a bite out of my foot.
He's supposed to fold that thing up when he's done. He always does.
So, there I was lying on the floor with my foot in the air yelling 'BITCHASSMOTHERFUCKER!', when I realized that my daughter could hear me. Great. At least she knows not to repeat it.
Then I thought? Fuck it, and continued the glorious chorus of fuckityfucks and bitches.
I also, briefly, contemplated going upstairs and shaving every hair off of his body as he slept.
Instead I ranted about it to some friends who are probably sick of hearing about my fucking toes.

*We don't get HBO. Yes, we are too cheap for anything but basic cable. So, I've been renting the shows that all my friends rave about. Right now, I'm hooked on six feet under. Shut up, I know I'm so behind but whatever.
Anyway, I went to the video store this morning on my way to get Hurricane's pictures done. Grab what I think I need and go to checkout. We paid for this program where you can rent 3 DVD's at a time for free. The new releases after a brief amount of time and all the old stuff anytime. It's supposed to automatically renew every month but because we had to get new bank cards (whole 'nother story), it didn't. I hand the kid my card to renew it and..........

I crashed their fucking computer.

He reboots, but it's all messed up and he can't print or check it out.

He was getting really frustrated and looked like he was about to cry. I told him I'd come back later because I had an appointment, but he handed me the DVD's and said he'd handle it.

I think I broke him.

I had to go back later as I realized that I was missing the season finale, only to find that, while they have every other episode? They don't have this one.
Seriously?

What the fuck?

And, to make it all complete? She tried to renew our thing again and?

Yup. Computer crashed.

I'm a jinx.

*Pictures. Ha!
We've gotten some really great pictures of Hurricane. Those biker pics? So cute. But it took great timing and a lot of patience.
And with a foot that was throbbing (fuck) and a slight feeling of guilt for making that kid cry, I was a little short on patience.
Have you ever handed a kid a cupcake and told them they couldn't eat it?
That's what asking Hurricane to hold still is like. He looks at you like you are absolutely out of your mind.
He tried to jump off the little platform about 7 times before I finally told him to go ahead but "If you crack your head open don't come crying to me!!" He looked at me and laughed. I think he's catching on to how utterly ridiculous I am.
She got a great shot of his butt in the air. It was originally going to be a smile over his shoulder. At the last second he bent over to do his yoga.

There's the shot of him stuffing his hand down his pants to play with his third leg.
I briefly considered asking her to keep that one just to freak out my MIL.

There's the one where he is intently studying the prized boogie he pulled out of nose as though he had just discovered where they buried Hoffa.

It took some time, but we did get some really cute pictures without his butt, his boogers or his hand down his pants.

*I came home to blog and of course Blogger was down. I am again considering moving to typepad. However? I think I'm just too damn lazy.

*My ribs hurt from trying to rake out those deep roots. My ribs? I mean really? My arms I get but ribs?

*Another round of "how did these people end up here?"
So, apparently I can be found when searching for NAKED BITCHES, dive boxes (which I finally looked up because I didn't know what it was but I was kind of scared to know. I mean, I thought maybe scuba gear, but considering I don't know anything about diving and looking at how some of these other people found me? I was worried it would be some really kinky sex act that I wouldn't be able to get out of my head), men in panties (?????), "She had enough vodka to make her feel sexy" (really? What the fuck? Because I'm thinking, is there enough vodka in the world to make me ok? And I don't drink! Although, I'm thinking maybe it's time to start again), "Why Mrs X died" (Kind of freaking me out because last time I checked? I was still breathing. Wait.... no, still breathing), sex diary (ha!) and a nasty case of laryngitis (Hell? Call the freaking Doctor!).

And I'm tired.

Tomorrow? I'll tell you about our 'fun' well-child visit where I considered what it would take to make a diaper childproof. And by tomorrow? I mean someday.

Weeds

Our backyard is severely neglected. We never did anything with it after the house was built. There was no grass. We had talked about having it leveled since it slopes toward the house. 2 summers ago Mr X even began to build a garden area around the shed.
Since then we've simply let it go until the woods we live next to began to take it over.
The garden consists of 2 levels, both now covered in weeds so strong they have turned into trees.
Yesterday it hit me.

I have to clear that mess out. I need to remove every last trace of those weeds. Our neglect.

So I began.

Ripping them out was not going to be enough. Their roots ran too deep and some of the trunks were too thick.

I took Mr X's two-handed clippers and cut them down. I began digging out the deep, thick roots. I pulled and ripped and threw the efforts of my labor in a pile below the first garden level.
After an hour, I had barely cleared a foot deep into the first level.
My back ached and my hands felt weak. I was sweaty and I knew my face was red. My arms were scratched up from where the branches caught me. There was a streak of dirt across my forehead and I had destroyed my old sneakers.
All I could think was that there was so much left to do. My arms and hands shook for an hour after I was finished.

Today, my shoulder aches and my neck is stiff.

And I'm scared.

The weeds wait. I don't know what I'll do when it's all clear.

Brief

Friday is the day. THE day. Doctor appointment day. Friday, we'll finally have a better grasp on what is going on with Mr X.

I'm trying not to think about it too much. Trying not notice the tone of his skin. Trying not to study his eyes to see if they are even the slightest bit yellow. Trying not to bury him before Friday.

We're happy. Things finally seem to be going well. Life is good.


I guess that's why I expect to all go to shit on Friday.

The One Which Proves We're Crazy and Perhaps That Padded Room Is Not Such A Bad Idea

Girl X came home from school 2 days ago and decided that it was time to introduce Hurricane to the fun that is popping bubbles in the house. But not just any bubbles. No. She had to use the Mutant Bubbles that do not pop unless you physically smash them. And they actually make noise. Do you remember when we were kids and our moms (ok maybe not my mom because ha! But some moms did, I saw the neighbor mom do it anyway) made us bubbles with dish soap and water? Seriously, Mutant Bubbles. The hell?
So, they're having a great time and I'm counting the soapy bubbles being smashed into the carpet and walls as some form of cleaning (See? Looking on the bright side of things! Pardon me while my head explodes) and Hurricane is trying to eat them. Which? With these he is actually succeeding except that you know, soap bubbles. Maybe not tasting as good as he had hoped and it was not such a good idea after all to be eating the bubbles that dropped to the floor. Meanwhile I'm contemplating the nutritional value of said bubbles because I'll take what I can get.
This story does have a point, one which will possibly prove my insanity and that maybe we have found the reason why my neighbors think I'm an idiot and maybe you won't want to be my friend anymore but I am compelled to continue.
Bubbles. Right.
Girl X gets bored and we put the bubbles away and Hurricane does not like this idea because he was maybe getting used to the taste of the bubbles and liking the way they popped in his mouth not in his hands.
So I did what any good mom would do. Put him in front of the TV and dazzled him with Elmo.
"Ooohhh! Look! See Elmo? Yes, lala. Yay! He's going to rap again! Ok, mommy's just going to stick her head in the oven and pretend she doesn't know all the words to this furry little bastard's song! Ok? great!"
Fast forward to later that evening. Hurricane is almost ready for bed. Girl X is brushing her teeth. Mr X is trying to kick himself in the head (Long story short, Girl X managed to kick herself in the face and he wanted to see if he could do it too. Aren't you sorry you asked now? Thought so.)
I look up and... What? Is that? The hell! It is!
"Look! It's a bubble."
Mr X looks.
Girl X looks.
Hurricane sticks a finger up his nose.
There, hanging over the entertainment center was a bubble. One that Girl X had been blowing earlier. It simply hung there, suspended mid air.
It was a bubble. We all got bored very quickly and went on with the night.

Morning.
The bubble?
Still there.
Still floating in mid air.

Evening.
Still freaking there.

Seriously, how long of a shelf like are these things supposed to have?

Now, here is where we kind of lost it and which kind of explains the title and shows you just how pointless this whole damn post is and now maybe you're wishing you could have the last few minutes of your life back and... um... sorry?

Mr X took Girl X to the far end of the room and began waving his arms at it.
Girl X began to also wave her arms at it.

"RISE!!"
Followed by wild arm waving.

And it did.

"LOWER!!"
Followed by wildly bringing their arms down.

And it DID.

Then Mr X decided that it was a bubble sent by the CIA to spy on us.
Because I'm sure they so want to know Hurricane's secret ability to tele-transport himself and then there's that whole climbing the walls thing.

I told Mr X I didn't believe him.

But just in case, after he went to bed?

I mooned it.

Then tonight.... Yes, it's still there. Floating above my entertainment center where no bubble should be.

Anyway, tonight Mr X decided that it was an alien sent to study us. I asked him if he'd been probed yet. Because we all know where aliens probe right?

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Would you like me to check on that?

"Shut up!"

I think he meant no. I think he meant that I should wait until he's sound asleep and then maybe poke him in the cheek a little. Damn. That's so mean. You know? I am so going to have to do that now.

Anyway, I decided to have a little chat with the bubble. (Remember what I said earlier? yeah. So sorry, again.)

I apologized for mooning it. I expressed my distress at having this strange bubble hanging over my entertainment center for 2 days.

It simply hung there. Just out of my reach.

I suggested that perhaps it would like to see the rest of the world. Maybe go to Rome. I hear Rome is a lovely place to visit for bubbles.

It bobbed a little.

I said that perhaps it was a ghost bubble and maybe it should like, head to the light? I told it that it's mommy and daddy bubble would be there on the other side waiting for it.

It bobbed a little more.

Girl X shook her head and went downstairs muttering something about crazy and embarrassing.

Mr X went to bed.

Hurricane continued to sleep with one hand in his diaper.

And the bubble is still just hanging there.