"We Always Knew She Was Crazy..."

A list of things that, thus far, have not worked in our fight against the Moles from Hell.

1)Castor oil- the salesman (read: stubbly-chinned teen who seemed to know what he was talking about but was obviously rehearsing for his role in Death of A Salesman) assured me that 'this was just the thing to get rid of those nasty little critters, yes ma'am (ok, I'll overlook the fact that you called me Ma'am. I hate, nay, loathe being called Ma'am but whatever), this will make their little tummies upset and ruin their food and they'll just scamper right out of your yard."
I've been told it would be inappropriate to go in that store, grab that little bastard by his malformed goatee and spank him for lying.
I had originally wanted something that would be safe should our dog develop a taste for dirt. Something he has, on occasion, enjoyed.
When, after a week and 5 new holes, that didn't work I stopped caring about the little buggers well-being and just wanted them dead.

2) Poison pellets. Poison pellets= mole candy.

3) Our neighbor's cats. Our Cat is the world's largest wuss. He runs and hides when he sees Hurricane's Elmo begin his dance. He flings poo at his enemies (mostly at 3 am and accompanied by much screeching). So, our neighbor's cats have taken over his duties. They point and laugh at him as he sits in by the patio door. "There's that Cat who flings poo! Can't even catch a little mole! Ha!"
They've been bringing a mole to their owners every night. Last weekend, they had a real party and brought 4 since our neighbors had house guests.
Wasn't that thoughtful of them?

4) Flooding them out and waiting for them with a shovel. I am still avoiding my neighbors across the street, thanks for asking.

5) Demolishing their piles day after day. What the hell do they care? They'll just dig a new one.

So, our next door neighbors brought over a bunch of flares tonight. The idea being that the noxious gas will kill them. They lit them up and shoved them down the holes. All the holes. Our yard was smokin'. I'm sure we broke some of those smoking ban laws but eh...

Still, I have my doubts as to whether this will work.

These aren't just any moles. They are Mutant Moles from Hell.

I wonder what the NRA would say about me using this gun Mr X is buying to kill them. I can picture myself shoving the barrel down the hole and then ending up in a life and death tug-of-war with a Mutant Mole. And I will lose.

And it will be of no surprise to anyone who lives on my block.