Friday, October 07, 2005

How to feed a Mobile Baby

As promised, and for your amusement.

Step one: Make the sign for eat. Watch as Baby X takes that as permission to eat Cat. Get dirty look from Cat.

Step two: Pry Baby X from Cat and put in highchair.

Step three: Quickly, and after extensive training from the pit crew of a Nascar driver, strap Baby X into seat. Use the attached buckles and three rolls of duct tape. Pray that it holds. Important to note: Hands must be free for finger foods.

Step four: grab baby food, preferably something with fruit or sweet potatoes because anything else will be promplty thrown at you or spit back at you.

Step five: Foolishly believe that today would be a good day to allow Baby X to self feed some of the baby food. Distinctly hear Cat snicker before running away after announcing this to Baby X.

Step six: Mistake Baby X's smile and eagerness as good signs. Will now know for next time that these are signs of impending mess that will rival the http://thediaryofmrsx.blogspot.com/2005/08/great-mustard-vs-ketchup-battle-of.html (forgive the messy link. I'm a computer idiot).

Step seven: Hand Baby X a little dipper and a small bowl. Sign for eat. Baby X looks at dipper, throws it at you and grabs bowl. Reapeat 5 times.

Step eight: Pick up bowl from floor. Realize the carpet is a lost cause. Hope that pureed blueberries will not ruin new shirt. Call yourself an idiot for wearing new shirt during feeding times.

Step nine: Give up on self-feeding for the day. Go to kitchen and grab a new jar of food as the other is currently staining your carpet.

Step ten: Attempt to feed Baby X. For a few minutes it goes well. Sign in relief.

Step eleven: Realize sighing, and therefore signaling that you've relaxed in the presence of Baby X was a huge mistake as Baby X monsters. Attempt to dodge the food being blown out of Baby X's mouth.

Step twelve: Baby X decides he really is hungry so feeding may resume. I realize Baby X has the attention span of a gnat. Scratch that. A gnat's baby. Be amazed as Baby X, though strapped in with 3 rolls of duct tape and buckled, manages to contort himself enough to face the opposite direction.

Step thirteen: Walk around to the other side of the high chair in order to give Baby X a bite. As soon as you get there, Baby X turns in the opposite direction. Repeat 50 times while occasionally getting a bite in.

Step fourteen: Give Baby X some gerber fruit puffs.

Step fifteen: Yelp as Baby X bites you as you attempt to pull out 14 of the 15 fruit puffs he just shoved in his mouth.

Step sixteen: Bandage fingers and wonder if human bites are as bite as animal ones.

Step seventeen: remove duct tape and set Baby X free to chase Cat.

Step eighteen: Thank all that is good and right that dinner is still four hours away.

3 comments:

mr_g said...

I just realized how much I love my dogs! Thanks for the reality check! Great Post.

madman said...

That was a hilarious--it has been 17 years since I experienced that--but you painted the picture well!

Mrs.X said...

Thank you both. As tiring as it occasionally is, I wouldn't trade it for anything!