Stupid Things I've Done Today

I do stupid things everyday. Kultzy things. Verbal things that should never have been said. Things for which I cannot explain. Today was no exception.
To give you insight into what it's like for Mr X to come home every day I've decided to share them with you. That poor poor man. He so foolishly, er, bravely asks me every day how my day was. This is an example of what he's treated to.

*I spent my morning scraping burnt pancake off the microwave because I mistakenly set the timer for 30 minutes not 30 seconds before going to get myself and Baby X dressed. I stopped and helped Girl X with her clothes and made my bed and thought to myself "I'm really on top of it today. Yay me!" I gathered my things to be ready to go grocery shopping and... wait.... *sniff*... what's that smell? *POP* EW! What is that smell? Wait. The microwave is still running? Crap! Yeah. So. Ew. And pop tarts for Breakfast because I suck and my kids teeth are all going to rot out of her pretty little head if I keep this up!

*I ran over my own foot at the grocery store. I still don't know how I did it. My toes had barely recovered from Thanksgiving and then? Ow. Cart. Smashed toes hate me.

*I was carrying in the groceries after putting Baby X down for a nap and I lost my grip on one of the bags. And of all the bags it would be? The one with the spaghetti sauce of course! I was standing in my driveway in freezing weather spraying ragu off into the grass. And that of course made the driveway extra slippy. Which? I found out when I tried to bring in the next bag of groceries and fell on my ass people! My neighbors think I'm an idiot who can't walk. Or I drink.

*I managed to get all the groceries put away with only slamming my finger in a cabinet once. I sat down to eat lunch, yeah! Then I heard feet on the steps to my front door. I had to run fast to stop the UPS guy from ringing the doorbell or knocking (Causing Dog to bark) and thereby waking up Baby X. I was running up the stairs waving my arms like a madwoman and? Totally bit it. I crashed forward and slammed my chin into the top step. I howled and the UPS guy looked horrified. At least the neighbors couldn't see me.

*You would think that I had done enough damage to myself for one day. Right? You'd be wrong.
I had to go back out to my van to grab some wrapping paper. I opened the garage but before it came all the way up I decided to just duck under it. Because I? Dumbass.
I smashed my head right into the bottom of the door. And that HURT!! Still hurts.
I was almost ok but then I felt wet. I cut my head. Just a little, but ahh! Blood! And my neighbors? More reason for them to think I'm an idiot. Or a drunk.