Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I am a Freak Magnet

I don't know if it's the way I look, if I'm broadcasting 'All Freaks Welcome Here', or if it's some odd pheromone I'm giving off but if there is an oddball within a 50 mile radius of me, that person will find me. And talk to me. About strange things that I didn't want to know about. Or I will happen to see someone doing something strange. Something I didn't want to see. Like the other day that lady in Target who lifted up her shirt to fix her belt and let her boobs get a lot of fresh air. No, she wasn't wearing a bra and yes, she knew it.
When you're pregnant, it's expected that you will run into some very strange people. Because normal people would not just come up and start touching your belly. I used to touch theirs back. Or tell them that Damien didn't like that. Or tell them I bite. You get the picture.
After the baby is born and you think it's safe to go out in public, you get the weirdos who want to touch your baby and offer you all kinds of advice. My favorite advice to offer back is "You shouldn't touch a baby you don't know. You don't know where he's been".
That's expected. It's inevitable.
I seem to attract them even when I'm by myself.
Today it was the clerk at the store who told me about her Pekinese's Hershey squirts. In full, colorful, detail.
Or the time I was waiting to meet a friend at the mall and this guy walked up to me and started telling me about how his best friend's wife left him for another man and his best friend didn't know that the other man was him and did I think he should tell him? Because if I did he guessed maybe he should but he didn't want his best friend to be mad at him because he was kind of hoping that his best friend would be his best man.
Or that time I went to get my hair cut and that stylist couldn't stop talking about her sister's husbands penis which she accidentally saw when she accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom but is wasn't really an accident because she thinks that subconsciously she wanted to do it because he is hot and OH. MY. GOSH!! It was huge and then she felt bad but he didn't say anything to her sister his wife because her sister would have been ticked but she can't decide if that counts as cheating and wait! That bastard! How could he cheat on her sister!
Or the lady at grocery store who had to tell me all about her husbands colonic and the diet he's on now and really it's not so bad but wow does she miss chocolate.
I could go on for pages. Lots of pages.

I don't know. Maybe I am a freak magnet. Or maybe people are just getting freakier!

2 comments:

mr_g said...

Wow! Anyway, the other day I was watching my friend screw this goat while his sister was blowing their father in front of the mailman, and .....

Mrs.X said...

Oh that's so not funny. It is, but it isn't because that's the kind of stuff I get on a regular basis.