Spawn

I have a friend who doesn't have, nor want, kids. (No it's not 'abnormal' and yes she's a perfectly lovely person. Sorry, people just usually have a strange reaction to that.) Anyway, she asked what it was about 2 year olds. Actually is something like "How the hell do you people stay sane?"
I'm sorry. Have I left you with the mistaken impression that I'm sane? Or is that we just haven't spent enough time together? Or maybe you are suffering from the same affliction I have?


I call it denial. Or memory loss due to sleep deprivation. Either way, it causes you to forget, or at least downplay, all the things your child did during the toddler years. Often just enough to make you think that having another would be lovely.

During her toddler years Girl X:

*Bit a rottweiler on the face.
*Got in a fight with a 4 year old boy resulting in her first (but certainly not last) black eye and the boy's black eye and fat lip.
*Made blue oatmeal in my kitchen towel drawer because our cat doesn't like tan oatmeal.
*Made me pancakes. On the floor of my kitchen. With dog hair, the milk from her sippy cup and a dead bug she found in the track of the screen door. Then she put it all back in the Bisquick box.
*Stabbed my dad in the hand for stealing a bite of food off her plate without permission. Yes, she broke skin. Yes, it hurt.
*Made 'pretty pictures' on many a prized photo I was foolish enough not to have locked in a safe.
*Broke 2 windows playing Throw-The-Bone-At-Random-Objects.
*Stripped naked in the grocery store, the post office, the playground, and at my brother's college graduation.
*Ate no less than 4 spiders. Funny? She's now terrified of them.
*Used an entire box of super absorbency tampons to "help get the water out of the toilet so Cat can sleep there". And then flushed. It's a whole lot of fun trying to explain why there is an entire box of tampons stuck in your pipe. "Bad month" just didn't quite amuse anyone (except me because I always laugh when I'm uncomfortable).
*Threw up on me in public places. Many times. Enough times that I began to wonder if perhaps we should just never leave the house again.
*Kicked her Dr in the face often enough that he began calling in 2 nurses to help hold her down during exams and jokingly (I think, though maybe not really) lamented about his need to wear a hockey mask in her presence.
*Got her head stuck in a fence.
*Got her foot stuck in a stair rail.
*Broke 2 highchairs, a pack and play, 3 training potties and 1 rocking chair.

And many other things that I am telling my brain to forget.

But there are other things, little though they may have been at times, that made every one of those other moments worth it.

*Random kisses.
*Her little hands on my cheeks as she very seriously tells me that she has to fart. (I know that's ridiculous but it was funny to me. She always said it in a way that made you think she was going to cause a small explosion and you needed to be prepared).
Giggles.
*Seeing her figure something out that seems so easy to us but has eluded her, that look of pride.

*Watching her bandage Cat and seeing him let her.

*Hearing her sing 'Twinkie Twinkie Little Car' because she didn't know the 'right' way.

*Seeing her fall asleep in her food. Although, this may have been her way of telling me she hated my cooking because she did this a lot.

And many more tiny moments that over ride the insanity.

Going Down In the History Books....

Me: "Is this what I think it is?"

Mr X: "Um.... Yeah?"

"You got me a....."

"Well, the timing just worked out that way but, Happy Mother's Day! Honey?"

"It's a stun gun."

"And a case for it. See?"

"You got me a stun gun for Mother's day."

"It's easy to work. Just turn it on here, touch the person and push that button."

"It's a stun gun."

"Uh-huh."

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"Wha????"

"You armed me, the person who cut herself with a butter knife, with a stun gun. Are you trying to kill me?"

"Funny. It's not going to kill anyone. Here, try it out on me."

"Why? Do you want to end up one of those e-mail stories my parents pass around? A story that people everywhere insist happened to a friend of their cousins' proctologist?"

"I'll put a pillow on the floor to break my fall it will be fine."

"Don't tempt me. Hey, do you think it would be unethical to use this on the moles?"

Goat Sex, Bitches, and Special Panties.....

I'm sorry. So sorry. I say that because really? This post sucks. I mean, the title, it's so promising and then, ah. Nothing. Yeah.

L left today. Both my kids cried.
Hurricane will miss her attention, the millions of pictures she took (note, not that ones posted here) and her constant calls for 'little Mr Sexy Lips'.
He learned to say "Hi Ti-ti" (hi auntie) and taught her the joy of a well-placed 'doh!' Also? There was much naked running (and here I interject my deepest apologies porn seekers. I recommend Goat sex. All better?)
Girl X will miss keeping her up late at night and thereby avoiding the very necessary school-night sleep. "It's 5-oh-oh Aunt L! Let's talk for one more minute." Further proof that she is an alien as no child of mine would be that happy at '5-oh-oh' am. I mean... really? 5 am? What the hell is wrong with her? Doesn't she realize she's supposed to save that for college and all night binge drinking right before finals?
I? I will miss being able to take a shower without Hurricane trying to crawl into the stall with me.
The first morning she was here I went to take Hurricane in the bedroom with me while I showered.
"I'll watch him if it's ok with you!"

Are you... wait. Am I on punk'd? Seriously? Ok.
I left her with the basic instructions of:
1)Don't let him eat Cat or various other non-edible items he will attempt to cram into his mouth.
2)Don't mention the 'C' word. You know, the one that sends him into convulsions until you actually give him one of those chocolate-chipped toddler mufflers.
3) Do not block his view of Elmo. He will knock you over and smother you with his bare feet.

She survived but I don't think she will readily make that offer again.

**************
There really isn't much lead in to this. I just like the picture. That and the lady snapping the pictures could not seem to stop. I have a sheet of 16 poses and I think the only reason she stopped was because he finally held up his hand and said 'NOOOO!' and leapt into my arms.

*******

As I was begging him to sleep last night, offering him all the cookies he could eat, beer, the freedom to run with scissors, anything just for the love of my sanity sleep!, I tried to remind myself that this is only a short time in my life. And then I told me to SHUT UP! Then the me that was sleeping started yelling 'SHUT UP Bitches!' and then I think I started laughing and Hurricane slowly rolled away from me and fell asleep. I think I might need a full uninterrupted 4 hours of sleep. Gah! That would be beautiful. Moving on because even I recognize that there are only so many times a person can bitch about sleep before someone threatens to shove skewers through their fingers.

***********

Mr X has to go to Arizona for work next week. I hate it when he has to go and he's not looking forward to it but eh.

And fear not, I wrapped my Man Saving Panties around his head which, to my understanding , is the best place for them.

******

And is it just me or does anyone think it's funny that when googling for 'Man Saving Panties' they ask if you meant 'Man Shaving Panties'?

No one else? Really? Just me then. Ok... well... Hee!!

************
And again, because I can, some of my most favorite recent pics of the sleepless wonder.

To head off the inevitable question, the shirt reads "I do all my own stunts". And yes, he does.

He Wants To Be A Sumo Wrestler

And if he can ever convince his body to gain the necessary weight, I'm sure he'll be quite successful.
He's mastered the fine art of the head butt to the nose, and oh my damn that still freakin' hurts!
Physics is his bitch as evidenced by the fact that my face caved in to make room for his until we looked like a display in a sideshow.
Then he discovered the joy of the surprise attack.

He squared off, facing me, arms lifted at his sides. He monstered and snorted. Stomp the left foot. Stomp the right foot.
CHARGE!!
SLAM!!

And that is why I had to go to the eye doctor with a black eye and broken glasses.
And that is also why I got the talk. The one about domestic abuse and my doctor knows the numbers to call and people will help me every step of the way. I just have to get out of this awful situation.

"You're right. I do. Do you think they give toddlers hard time? Some of those prison toddlers are hard core!"

I don't think he appreciated my humor or believed me.

Until Hurricane did it again.

Punctuated this time with a loud "BAM fo Momma!" He thinks it's hysterical.

I think it forced me to try to pick out new glasses. Which? I hate.
I always end up with frames too small for my face or too bug shaped.
So, this time I got contacts instead.

It's defense really. Because unless Hurricane jabs me in the eye with sharp and pointy sticks again, he shouldn't be able to break them. Right?

Tonight, before bed, I let him run loose in just his diaper. My sister in law, L, is here from California. She's been fawning over him and taking his picture and tormenting him by sticking a ball down the back of his pajamas (I love her!).
They were on the floor playing with the ball. I guess Hurricane was still nursing some hurt feelings over the indignity of having a grapefruit sized ball shoved down the back of his pants. He tucked his head down and raised his eyes to her as she sat, unaware of what was to come.

"Uh-oh. Uh, L.....?"

She kept talking to Mr X.

Hurricane squared off to her and lifted his arms a bit. His lips puckered, nostrils flaring.

"L."

Still talking.

Stomp left foot.

"Uh... Screw it." She'll learn quickly this way.

Stomp right foot.

Charge!!

She had just enough time to register this 25 lb ball of fury barreling towards her, just enough time to look rather horrified, before his little body rammed into hers.
She went crashing backward with Hurricane on top.

"BAM fo Momma!"

And now I get it. It really is funny.

"We Always Knew She Was Crazy..."

A list of things that, thus far, have not worked in our fight against the Moles from Hell.

1)Castor oil- the salesman (read: stubbly-chinned teen who seemed to know what he was talking about but was obviously rehearsing for his role in Death of A Salesman) assured me that 'this was just the thing to get rid of those nasty little critters, yes ma'am (ok, I'll overlook the fact that you called me Ma'am. I hate, nay, loathe being called Ma'am but whatever), this will make their little tummies upset and ruin their food and they'll just scamper right out of your yard."
I've been told it would be inappropriate to go in that store, grab that little bastard by his malformed goatee and spank him for lying.
I had originally wanted something that would be safe should our dog develop a taste for dirt. Something he has, on occasion, enjoyed.
When, after a week and 5 new holes, that didn't work I stopped caring about the little buggers well-being and just wanted them dead.

2) Poison pellets. Poison pellets= mole candy.

3) Our neighbor's cats. Our Cat is the world's largest wuss. He runs and hides when he sees Hurricane's Elmo begin his dance. He flings poo at his enemies (mostly at 3 am and accompanied by much screeching). So, our neighbor's cats have taken over his duties. They point and laugh at him as he sits in by the patio door. "There's that Cat who flings poo! Can't even catch a little mole! Ha!"
They've been bringing a mole to their owners every night. Last weekend, they had a real party and brought 4 since our neighbors had house guests.
Wasn't that thoughtful of them?

4) Flooding them out and waiting for them with a shovel. I am still avoiding my neighbors across the street, thanks for asking.

5) Demolishing their piles day after day. What the hell do they care? They'll just dig a new one.

So, our next door neighbors brought over a bunch of flares tonight. The idea being that the noxious gas will kill them. They lit them up and shoved them down the holes. All the holes. Our yard was smokin'. I'm sure we broke some of those smoking ban laws but eh...

Still, I have my doubts as to whether this will work.

These aren't just any moles. They are Mutant Moles from Hell.

I wonder what the NRA would say about me using this gun Mr X is buying to kill them. I can picture myself shoving the barrel down the hole and then ending up in a life and death tug-of-war with a Mutant Mole. And I will lose.

And it will be of no surprise to anyone who lives on my block.

Genetics

I went to Girl X's school on Friday for Grandparent's day. I know, but her options were rather limited.
My parents live on the other side of the country and Mr X's parents.....
Well, there is that. His dad is fine, but he would insist on bringing She Who Shall Not Be Named and not even Girl X wants that.
So, there we were.
We had lunch amid all the Grandparents with Hurricane trying to skip lunch and go right for the cake.
After lunch we went to the playground. Girl X helped Hurricane down a slide over and over again. He was in awe. His big sister, his hero.
I held him as she ran off to join her friends on some metal bars.

I watched as she jumped up and swung herself around, upside down. Again and again.

And it hit me.

For as much as she looks like me, she is so very different.

I never would have been brave enough to do what she did. I was the kid who stood back and watched, wishing, but never doing because I was certain I would fall and break my neck.

She sat on the bar and leaned back, upside down again. Hanging by her knees. Laughing with her friends.

I couldn't help smiling, being proud.

She'll be more than I am.

It's what I've always wanted, hoped for.

I waved good-bye, blew her a kiss and walked to the parking lot.

She's going to be great. She'll be more than I am.

***********
I got Hurricane home and he began his daily ritual of attempting to defy physics by cramming his face into mine. Despite my many explanations, he is certain that he can occupy the same space as me at the same time.
It's his cue that he is tired. As if he could climb into my skin and sleep there, safe.

Girl X used to do the same thing.

I've been told that I used to do it as well.

I climbed into his bed with him and curled him into my arms. He closed his eyes and I could feel his breath, slow against my cheek.

I used to do that with Girl X. It seems so far off now.

It amazes me to see how much she has changed and how quickly. There are moments where I want to grab her and beg her to slow down. She's getting so far from me, so far from the parts of me that I recognize. But I know that's not fair. I know she has to become who ever it is she'll be.

And I know that's ok because she'll be more than me.


But Hurricane? We have a deal. I asked him to stay just as he is and he replied "Muhurah?" which I am taking as agreement.

Just Make Her Shut Up Already.

Mr X asked if I thought his plan for getting Hurricane to sleep through the night was working or not.

I think I'm not a good person to ask about this. I'm too tired to answer really.

I guess in the sense that he isn't playing when he wakes up 3 times a night, then yeah sure. It's great. Now instead of waking up and playing poke-the-mommy, he just sticks his butt in my face or lays on my head before falling asleep.

Except last night.

We're in week 6 (I think) of the sleep strike. Last night the 'plan' wasn't working.

Last night was a brutal reminder that real life parenting and what you imagine parenting to be like before you have kids is very different.

At one point I offered to take him to a strip joint every weekend for a year after he turned 18 if he would just go to sleep.

He didn't.

When I woke up this morning he was sleeping in his toy box next to Elmo.

And as if the whole "I'm not sleeping" thing wasn't enough, he's decided to throw an eating issue into the mix.

He eats pancakes, cookies, bananas and grilled cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

That's it.

All those things he used to love to eat, he now refuses.

Tonight I made him his favorite pasta and he stubbornly clamped his mouth shut, crossed his arms and glared at me.

I tried to trick him by offering a bite of banana and then slipping in the pasta, but he caught me.

So I waited until he started screaming for his banana and shoved the pasta in.

He spit the first bite out on principle but he did eat the rest.

And this is how we now get through every. meal.

I Can See The Headlines Now......

In the list of Things That Are A Very Bad Idea But I Can See We're Doing It Anyway, this is number 1.

Mr X came home from work and said 'We need to talk.'

I told the part of my brain that was screaming to run really fast to shut up. I hate it when he gets all serious like that because it usually means I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do. Like talk to his mother.

We sat down and he hemmed and hawed around what he wanted to say. The part of my brain that controls keeping my mouth shut must have been taking a nap.

"Can you just get to the point already you girl? I'm bored."

Did I ever tell you he has a great sense of humor? He does. Especially when he's about to ask me to do something he knows I'm not going to want to do.

He wants me to learn how to fire a gun.

Yeah. Take that in for a moment.

I can see his point. He leaves for work at the same time every morning. We live right next to this wooded area in a decent neighborhood, but decent neighborhoods can change from day to day.

He wants to get a gun to keep with him too since he works in a high crime area and is always the first one to work. His car has been broken into several times as has the shop.

So I get that.

But then there's the other side of my brain that keeps a running tally of all the stupid ways I hurt myself. The other side of my brain says "Self? Do you not remember the moles? The evil and so not cute like the one who is friends with Winnie-the-Pooh moles? Do you remember nearly taking yourself out with a shovel? Damn. How did I end up in the body of a moron?"

Aside from a paintball gun that my 10th grade boyfriend took from me after I accidentally shot him in the gut, and the time I took a shotgun away from a friend using it knock down a cereal box rather than using a stepstool like a normal person, and why do I know so many stupid people?, I have never held a gun, much less fired one.

And now Mr X is talking about taking me to the firing range (and I now realize that it has nothing to do with pottery) and which gun would work best in my little hands (I'm thinking a small green water gun would be the safest) and lock boxes.

And I'm wondering how long it will be before I mistake my foot for a bullseye. Oh please, you know you were thinking it too. I wonder what the Vegas odds on that would be?

Although, I guess shooting my foot off would be one way to end the issues I have with my lowest extremities. But it might make wearing shoes a bit difficult. And I really love shoes.

Things I Do For Amusement.

A couple of months ago, I had a conversation with some friends about the our kids' aversions to towers.

It used to make Hurricane crazy to see a tower of any kind in the house. It didn't matter if it was blocks or stuffed animals. He would go out of his way to immediately destroy the tower.

Die tower! Die!! AAACCCKKKKK!!

I used to wait until he was down for a nap and then I'd make little towers all over the living room just to watch him go ballistic when he woke up.

And then I got bored with it and moved onto torturing him by making him keep his clothes on and not eating Cat.

Then Girl X dug out Jenga this weekend.

Everything was fine at first.
We set up the game and started pulling out the little blocks.

Hurricane came over to see what we were doing.

I saw his little eyes narrow, trying to remember just what it was he should be doing to this thing.....

there was something......

The tower grew higher and higher.

He watched.

Just when I thought maybe he didn't care anymore, he threw down his sippy cup, screamed and threw his body at the tower as though he were protecting us from a live grenade.

Girl X's eyes got wide and she just sat back.

Hurricane, still screaming and growling, began throwing the blocks as far as his little arms could.

I think he thought that maybe if we lost a few these awful towers would never appear again.


He was oh so wrong.


Because now I remember how much fun it was to watch him go ape-shit over these things.


Even more fun?

Watching him try to destroy a tower of legos.

Random Bits

Since SJ sent me the link for extreme tracking, I have had some pretty normal search hits.

Boobs, sexy girl pictures (Sorry Ichiro!), sex diary (boy were they ever disappointed), just basic stuff you kind of expect.

But this? This makes me worry about you internet.

Tickle Belly Attacking Raspberries.

I'm wondering if it was the same person looking to "Tickle His Belly".

Seriously internet? This is what you are looking for?

I mean, 'tickle his belly' maybe but do you really need instructions for that?

I'm almost curious enough to ask about the sexual perversion that involves attacking raspberries. Almost.

After the round of e-mails I got from some foot fetish people, I know better than to actually ask.


*Hurricane's sleep issues have caused the Mr X to do the thing I HATE with a fiery fury.
Research.
It makes him insufferable.
It wouldn't be so bad if he would just stop with all the questions.
"How long does he nap?"
"What time does he nap?"
"Does he sleep with his head to the North or South?"
"What song are the birds whistling in the morning?"

He calls me throughout the day, wakes me up from the little sleep I get, interrupts my quality slacking time with these damn questions.

My only relief, is that he thinks he's found the answer.
I'll admit that it makes sense. The timing fits. I give it a week and if there is no change, he's going to see his Dr.

*Speaking of, Mr X pushed his Dr's appt back to June. Because it's fun to make me crazy. No, really.

*I am taking special measures to avoid our neighbors across the street right now. Why? Silly internet. You should know by now, I've once again made an ass of myself.
We have a mole problem (they came from these neighbors yard). The little bastards don't have the decency to just go the hell away already.
We tried castor oil.
We tried poison.
I threatened to sick my dad's little buddy on them.

So, when I counted 7 holes in our yard this morning, and realized that they didn't care that I didn't want them here, I went a little bit crazy.
Girl X was eating her breakfast, Hurricane was Opening and closing the bedroom doors (I don't know, I don't ask), so I went outside, in my blue footed pajamas (yes, I am an adult who owns a pair of footed pajamas. Shut up.) and stuck a garden hose in one of the holes. I stood back with a shovel in my hand and waited for the water to push the little bastards out.

And when they did come out, I ran screaming, slipped on the wet grass and nearly knocked myself out with the shovel.

When I got up, I saw my neighbor with her purse in her hands just staring at me like I was the world's biggest idiot.

I guess I don't have the heart to play whack-a-mole with the real thing. It's a shame too because I'm really good at it!

I Survived.

Thanks to this lovely little book the talk wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it was going to be.

She didn't ask many questions, just listened.

And I finally understood just how my dad felt when, upon a trip to the Museum of Natural History, I found my sister and her friend giggling over a naked sculpture of some prehistoric man and my 7 year old self declared that it was 'Pshaw! Nothing I haven't already seen!" and walked away in my Miss Know-it-All pants.

We got to the part where it shows all the boy parts and Girl X waved her hand and said "I already know all about that stuff."

Unlike with my dad, I got an explanation. And it's pretty obvious.

She has a little brother.

Also, I thoroughly enjoyed telling Mr X he would someday be responsible for explaining it all to Hurricane and being witness to yet another hair turning gray.

Just Wait Until It's His Turn........

I had to have the most awkward of conversation with Mr X tonight. It left me fairly exasperated.

I sat him down and pulled out The Book. The one I'll be using this weekend when I have that talk I'm dreading with the Girl.

"It's time. She needs to know. Is there anything you think we should absolutely cover or leave out?"

He turned bright red, squirmed, and stuttered "Now?"

"This weekend. She wants to know how babies are made and she's not buying that thing about eating a special baby capsule."

He got up and paced the room.

He started to get a little pale.

"You don't have to be in the room with me when I talk to her."

"Oh thank G-d!"

He's still a little nervous though. I catch him glancing at her and then shaking his head and frowning.

She asked if something was wrong with him.

"Yes. He has a daughter."

And that's it. He and a friend, who has 3 daughters, have a plan for the first time a guy shows up for one of the girls. They intend to answer the door in jeans, muscle t-shirts and scowls. They're both big guys. They can be very intimidating. I pity any boy who has to face them. I pity the girls because there is little chance of them getting out if their dads are home.

I look at her and think about that night in the hospital when I lay in the bed beside her and she just looked at me. She didn't make a peep. Didn't move. Just blink and stare.
I got wrapped up in that image of her. My baby. My first born. I let myself forget that eventually she would grow up and need to know things about her body and sex.
Now that time is here and it's not that the idea of telling her about it is horrible. It's the thought that she's not a baby anymore.
Every year it gets harder and harder to keep her from the things that will hurt her.
Her first heartbreak. First crush. The first time some other girl calls her a name (and I'm going to find it very difficult not to find that girl and beat her senseless for it just as I'm sure it will be hard not to run over little Johnny for breaking her heart).
I know that a large part of my fear, as mildly irrational as it may be, is that she's growing too far away from me. Because that's how it was with my mom.
The older I got, the less she wanted to have to do with me. The farther apart we grew until one day, she was just that lady who gave birth to me.
I don't want that to happen with us. I want the kind of relationship with Grown-up Girl X that I always wanted with the kind of mom I wished I had.

And ok, I am choking a little at the thought of having a sex talk with my baby girl.


I take comfort in knowing that Mr X will someday have to have the Talk with Hurricane.

The Day I've Been Dreading

Girl X wants to know where babies come from. I've been putting it off for many months. Placating her with "Soon" when she asks if I'm going to tell her.

She no longer believes me when I tell her we got Hurricane from Babies R Us.
"I'm 8. Not stupid."

Right. That's what I'm afraid of.

When I was a kid I always had questions about sex. Since my mom was, well... she was herself, I always took my questions to my dad.
His response every single time was "uh. Um. Er. Let's go to the toy store!"

I had a lot of toys.

And I learned a lot about sex on the playground. And at lunch.

Do you know how to make the lunch lady nervous? Start discussing with your 5th grade buddies how many pubic hairs you now have.
I'm not kidding.

So I could go that route. Let the school and her friends teach her. Of course, she may then end up avoiding acorns because her best friend Jenny told her that her older sister who knows everything because she's in the 7th grade said that you get pregnant when a boy makes you eat an acorn.

I was such a stupid kid.

Or I could do what my MIL did. Tell her her body is evil and only whores use tampons.

Ok, I am so not doing that.

So I have to tell her something. Thing is, she's only 8. I don't want to tell her more than she really needs to know at this point.

I also don't want her to freak out one day because I didn't prepare her for her period.

And she's 8. And that could happen.

I'll take Hurricane's sleep issues over having the sex talk with her anyday.

Wish me luck. This weekend is not going to be an easy one.

In Search of A Good Lock.........

Hurricane is ticklish. Like I am. As in, breathe lightly on the back of his neck and watch him shiver and shrug and giggle.

As part of his bedtime routine, we do the full body tickle. I lay out his pj's and catch him before he can run too far away. He helps me take off his clothes. He puts his hands over his 'bebly' and smiles. I start behind his ears and trace my fingers down to his neck.
I lightly wiggle my fingers.
He grins and hunches his shoulders.
I run my fingers down his arms and lift them.
He giggles a little.
I blow raspberries along the sides of his belly all the way up.
He wiggles and laughs and eventually pushes me away.
He again covers his belly.
He smiles.
"Bebly?" He asks.
I wiggle my fingers over his belly.
His smile widens as do his eyes.
I tickle his tummy and he laughs and rolls over.
I tickle his back and he rolls back.
I trace down to his knees and tickle the little hollow at the back of his knees.
And then we get to his favorite part.
His feet.
I get a little tickle in at his toes and then Mr X takes over.
Mr X has this perfectly scratchy stubble.
He lifts his foot up to Mr X knowing exactly what is going to happen.
He is not disappointed.
His belly laughs are one of the highlights of my day.

I know it seems off topic, but bear with me because what I told you relates to our trip to Target today.

We weren't really looking for anything. We just needed to get out of the house. I skipped the cart and let Hurricane take the lead.
We wandered around the store, flittering from one shiny object to the next. He was having a grand time with the free rein over the store.
But the thing that caught his eye and caused him to stop dead in his tracks?

The pretty redheaded teen who was studying some Rimmel eyeliner.

He ran right into her legs, smiled up at her with his most disarming smile and tilted his head. When he was sure he had her attention, he lifted his shirt and offered her his 'bebly' with a wiggle of his fingers.

She laughed and obliged him with a little tickle.


I am so screwed when this boy hits puberty.

Questions

Mr X made his appointment with his Dr. Finally. Mid-May. 4 more weeks and then maybe we'll know.
I'll be going along. When he goes by himself all he hears is "blah blah, very bad blah blah die.....".
He's talking about the future in more positive tones again. Talking about when we'll start trying again. What we'll name our next baby.
Whether this is because he no longer feels that he's going to die by the end of the year or if he's gone back to denial I don't know. He just won't talk about it.
I've been putting off thinking about the next baby. I can only handle one panic attack at a time.
In those rare moments when I do think about it; think about all that goes with it, I have to remind myself to breathe.
If I'm honest with myself, I admit that I'm scared.
As much as I would love to have another baby, another pregnancy, I wonder if I have the heart for it.
I fear repeating everything we had to go through just to have Hurricane.
I fear another black year.
I wonder if I'm being greedy. Shouldn't I just be happy with what I have? Do I really have the right to go back and do this again?
What if things go south again? What if it doesn't and I spend 9 months in a constant state of tension as I did with Hurricane?
Could I carry on day to day, being a good mom to my kids, wife to my husband, if history repeated itself?
And let's be frank. The likelihood of that is pretty damn good.

But at the end of it all, I know it's what I want. It'd just be nice if I could be knocked out cold for 9 months, wake up and have everything just so.

We Will Never Grow Up

Once upon a time, a couple decided to take their family to a baseball game. It was to be the youngest's first game. They were all so excited. See the happy family?


Unfortunately (or not depending on who you are in this story), the mommy was fairly sleep deprived and, much to the delight of the rest of her family (the little snots), she fell asleep once the game started. See the mommy snore and drool?

It wasn't long before the daddy and the girl decided it would be fun to try to throw whoppers (a perfectly good chocolate candy) into the mommy's open mouth. Meanwhile, the little boy decided it would be more fun to try to steal the pretty cotton candy from the little boy in the seat in front of him.

When a whopper pelted her in the eye and woke her up, the daddy cheered the mommy up by reminding her that it could have been worse. They could have not woken her up and had her put on the giant screen behind them for everyone to see. The mommy expressed her gratitude by sticking a whopper up the daddy's nose.

And because no family trip would be complete without it, the girl decided to fall down the stairs at the end of the night, narrowly escaping serious injury but managing to take out 2 adults in the process. Yay us! Er, I mean, Yay them!

And, um... I'm sorry. This seemed so much funnier when I thought about blogging it at 3 am Saturday morning. It's amazing the things that amuse you when you're begging a toddler to sleep.

The team lost but we still had fun. Because no matter where we go we somehow manage to make complete fools of ourselves.

And then there was Mr X. He took my camera and said he was going to just take a picture of Ichiro for me. 5 minutes later, he's giggling like a schoolgirl and he won't give me back the camera. When he finally showed me what he was doing, I nearly peed myself laughing. The following commentary is all his.

"Do these pants make my butt look big?"
"I'm too sexy for my glove..... Hey there Sexy Girlfriend!"
"I blow you keessseessss!!!!!!"

And I have 17 more pictures of Ichiro in strange poses on my camera that he took that night. My husband is the strangest person I've ever met.

Mommy Dearest

Sometime around 1:30 this morning, Mr X got up and took over. It may or may not have had something to do with the fact that I was crying and ranting about 'No more WIRE hangers!!'
He picked Hurricane up and carried him off to bed and I collapsed into a puddle on the floor where I stayed until 6 am when I peeked one bleary eye open to find Hurricane's smiling face an inch from mine.

"Cookie?"

No kid. Sleep.

He slept for a grand total of 5 hours last night. He is currently sleeping, fitfully, in his room. I have little hope of this lasting much longer.

I'm clueless about what made him decide that sleep is for losers. I am even less sure of what to do to fix it. I've read all the books. Then I promptly filed them into the recycling bin.

Been there. Done that. Didn't work.

Co-sleeping? He hates it. I have the bruised legs and bald patches to prove it.

Cry it out? Try screaming. Endless screaming.

It all boils down to this: He does not sleep because it's fun to watch mommy lose her shit after several weeks of little sleep.

I could pack for a week's vacation with the bags under my eyes.

Yes this is parenting so please spare me the sanctimonious crap about sucking it up. I know that. I don't for one minute regret having my kids. But that doesn't mean everything is all sunshine and roses all the time.

There are things about parenting that people will never tell you.

*There are moments where your instinct will fail you.

*There are times that nothing you do will work. It's not that you're a bad mom or dad. It's that somedays kids can suck the soul right out of you.
And the next day, they give it back.

*You will, on occasion, be that parent. It doesn't matter what that is specifically. It will be the thing that you swear you'll never do. Until you do it because you are so damn desperate to get the kid to eat/sleep/hold still for 2 seconds/ stop biting/ and so on.

*As much as you love them and as much as you longed for them, there will be moments where you think that if you don't get out of the house alone RIGHT NOW DAMMIT someone will have to scrape you off the ceiling.

*Peeing by yourself will become a luxury.

*Mostly, there is not a damn thing wrong with any of that. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids. It doesn't mean that you don't want them or you're a bad parent. No matter what anyone else may say, there are times where you just need to breathe alone.

And that is normal.

Shut up.

How many times can one person bitch about sleep?

If they are me? If they are me and are currently trying to figure out how the hell that little bugger is still awake? And they are oh so damned tired?

As much as they damn well please.

I knew it was too good to be true when I laid him in his bed and he fell asleep within 5 minutes. Last night he was up until 9:45 before he finally fell asleep after I whisper-sang to him. And he was awake again by 4:30.

And some asshole had the bright idea to show him how to get out of his bed and open his door and find mommy sleeping and wouldn't it be fun to stab her in the eye with this hanger? Oh yes! It would! See?? See her jump up? See the blood gushing out from where the hanger caught her skin? Fun for everyone!! (Especially fun when I find out who left the hanger on the floor for him to find because it is going straight up someone's ass sideways dammit!)

Can you tell I'm not in the best of moods?

Can you tell I'm going to rip the head off the next person who mentions how their little precious sleeps all night?

Can you tell I'd like to go back and rip off my own head for every gloating about how he was sleeping so well?

If it wasn't for the jelly belly's I stole from Girl X's Easter basket I think I'd be under a truck right now.

I need kiddie valium.

A Post About Nothing

Putting this room together gave me a headache. You may remember my rant about the thousands of coats of blue paint it took to cover the walls properly? In person, the blue is a shade lighter than what it seems in the pictures. I have a few more Disney prints to make and some pictures to add. When Hurricane outgrows his Packers jersey, I'm putting it in a shadow box and hanging it on the wall opposite the bat case. His bed is the kind that you can eventually flip so that he'll have this great space underneath where he sleeps to play.
I know it's hard to see but there is a little desk and rocking chair in the corner by the bed. It's the perfect size for him, but I realized tonight that by the time he's really ready to use it, he'll probably have outgrown it!




Also? See the dresser top? Note the Weeble?

See the train table? I put that together. In fact, I put it together and only lost a very small amount of blood when the screwdriver slipped and I stabbed myself in the knee.
And the train set? It was supposed to be a hundred piece set but they lied. I think it's on the company stationary We lie!! Because I had to put that thing together, including building the airport and roundabout, and so on and there was a hella lot of pieces. Enough that putting it all together took me 4 hours and 23 minutes.

We are never taking that thing apart.

Peter Cottontail

Ok so it's a little late for an Easter entry but, I'm lazy. So. Here it is.

We took the kids to a friend's house for an egg hunt. It amazes me how many kids you can fit into one house and still have room snake your child's candy without them noticing.



First on our journey to fun was the bunny ears on Hurricane. I caught him with a mouthful of egg and cracker. The ears lasted until just after he swallowed that bite and then he tried to eat them. As soon as he realized that they weren't full of chocolate, he stuck his finger in every deviled egg he could before Mr X could stop him. Please note the ever present Weeble in his hand. Also? See that tie? It's a clip on. Should've been easy right?
Did you read my previous entry? Yeah. It took 7 minutes and 4 arms to wrestle him into that tie. Once it was hooked and he was set loose on the floor, his head spun around ala' Linda Blair and he spit cat fur at us.

When we were kids; my brothers, sister and I would fight eachother for eggs. I once stole my brother's basket as he tried to shove an egg up my sister's nose.

My kids have inherited none of my oh so charming um..... Competitive spirit. Girl X walked along only picking up the blue eggs because they were her favorite. Meanwhile, 15 kids are rolling down the hill trying to pick up all the eggs we tossed down there because we got bored trying to hide them all.

Hurricane would pick up and egg, shake it and then throw it down the hill. I'm not really sure what he was looking for, but he never found it. Mr X and I tried to show him how he was supposed to put them in the basket. He just raised his eyebrows and tugged at his tie. I think he was trying to say 'Bite me.'

Mr X said screw it and started putting eggs in the basket for him. I said it was cheating since he had helped hide them. He shrugged and asked if I was the Easter police. So I helped. More eggs= more candy to steal from them later.

In the end, the kids had fun and we have more candy that we didn't need.

And Hurricane got his revenge on those bunny ears by killing this one.