She'll Be The Crazy One

A few nights ago there were about 7 messages on our answering machine, all about 5 minutes apart and all from my Mother-in-law. Yes, she of the 'ok-love-you-bye-bye' has returned (for those just tuning in, my MIL will call and ramble on and on not hearing anything you say, the end it with an 'ok love you, bye bye' except that she doesn't actually hang up. No, she keeps going on and on and saying bye but not actually meaning it until finally you just hang up and claim that the phone just like, died in your hands and yes that does happen a lot and gee you're right we should get that checked. *breath!*).
Anyway, all of the messages were variations on "You call me back now! Life-altering news! Big changes! So exciting! You call now!" (Again, I should mention for those just joining that my MIL is completely freaking nuts. Also, Vietnamese. She likes to say things to me in Vietnamese that I couldn't possibly understand except that you know it's not good. Probably something about me going to hell. Or being sloppy seconds. All things I have heard many times).
So after the 7th one, I finally told Mr X to just call her back because I wasn't going to answer dammit and I was not going to listen to these messages and maybe it will be good news. Like she's finally moving to California (Take that California!).
He calls back and she answers so excited about her Big! Life! Altering! News! News which she refuses to share.
Yes folks, she called us 7 times in a row, one right after the other all to tell us: NOTHING!
She insists that he call back and let his dad tell him. Apparently her news was so damn exciting she couldn't walk the phone downstairs and hand it to her husband so that he could tell us the Big! Life! Altering! News! No, Mr x had to call back (seriously people? What the feck is that?).
But whatever, she's not my mom (Ha! Hahahahaha! Pardon me while I am reduced to hysterical laughter).
Mr X calls back and asks his dad what's up. What is this Big! Life! Altering! News!?

And what does his dad say?

Could it be "oh, we're moving?"
Maybe, "We won the lottery"
I know, "Don't ask me how but somehow your mom is pregnant again"
(Haha! Good one universe!)

No. His dad is quiet for a moment and then says..............



"What are you talking about?"


What. Are. You. Talking. About.

Feckin' WHAT????

Mr X's head implodes as he hears his mom yell (hell even I could hear his mom and I was on the other side of the room which good frogs people! Do you realize how freakin' loud she has to be to yell downstairs at her house into a phone her husband is holding and I can hear her loud and clear when the phone is no where near my head?) "Tell them what happen to me today!"

"Oh that?" *sigh* (FIL's, not mine).

His mom is going to be in the audience for Deal or No Deal.

Take that in a moment.

She is going to be in the audience, not a contestant, for Deal or No Deal.

Mr X hung up and just looked at me because he knew I was thinking just what he was thinking.

Just how the feck is this going to change her life? Or more accurately, just what is she planning on doing at the show to insure that she will become a video that is passed around the web for all of eternity?

I don't think she'll go crazy and offer to start feeding everyone and then end up in jail for killing them all because, hey, I've had her cooking and I've seen her kitchen. It would be murder.
I don't think she'll strip naked and run across stage. OK, probably not but don't rule that out entirely.
She might try to take over one of the suitcase girl's job.

I do know that unless they do some serious editing, you will be able to see my MIL. She'll be the one wearing bright red flowers with the red plaid pants and the giant bird and flower barrettes in her hair. She'll have her make-up done by Tammy Faye and 6 inch red heels to make herself taller.
Just listen for someone yelling "Howie! You marry my daughter! Deal! Deal! Are you Catholic? I love you Howie!"

Education in America: Homework

I started writing this, a little fired up by the article, thinking I'd make a quick point and get out. Then I started talking and thinking (and boy is that ever dangerous) and getting really bugged out when it came to the state of education in this country. So, now it's going to be a series of posts and I hope that you will participate with your thoughts on the subject, your ideas for what could work, your problems with the state of education in your own schools. Feel free to comment here or e-mail me at thediaryofmrsx@yahoo.com .

Last week I caught this article on Slate. Did you read it? Go ahead and take a minute to catch up. Go on, I'll wait.

Ready?

OK, so I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I mean really? No homework? Sure Girl would think that was awesome! Almost as awesome! as being held back a year because I can pretty much guarantee that's exactly what would happen.
Let me stop here for a moment before I go into the rest of what I wanted to say to just point out my personal experience on the whole homework vs no homework deal. Girl? She struggles in school. She is easily distracted and and if she can't see the teacher speaking, see the problem being dissected in front of her, she is lost. I think some of it relates back to her early childhood hearing loss. She still has trouble saying certain words. Now how many teachers do you know can sit in front of one student all day speaking directly to them and still maintain a classroom? Right. Girl does pretty well in school. She's smarter then she pretends to be. But she needs that one on one time she gets when she brings her homework home. She needs that practice. She needs the extra work to manage her study habits. So even if the teacher doesn't assign work, I give her work to do. Math, reading, sentence structures, whatever she does in class, we review at home. It has made a tremendous difference in her grades.
However, even if she didn't have the difficulty she does in her learning process, I would still expect her to do homework. I want to see that she understands what is being taught in class and that she is not just copying what she sees her classmates doing.

Now, personal feelings aside, I still feel that homework is an absolute necessary as long as it relates to what they are studying in class. Because really? What is the point in doing this at home if they aren't going over it in class? What are they learning then?

Last week I posed the question of homework: yes or no? to some teachers.

While the answers varied, the general consensus was "Yes" and "Are you kidding me?"

The few who had problems with homework? The main concern was the amount of time that it was taking their kids to get through the work, claiming that their kids were coming home with several hours of work and sad little faces.
I think (and teachers out there correct me if I'm wrong) there is a general guideline of 10 minutes times grade level. So a child in 4th grade could handle 40 minutes of homework and that would be reasonable.
At least it is until you consider that quite often, it's the parents who have to nudge the shoulder of their child into doing that homework and helping them correct their mistakes.
Here, I admit that I am fortunate. I'm home all day. Yeah, yeah. I'm busy and all that blah blah blah. Whatever, I'm still here everyday so when Girl steps off that bus, bag and attitude in tow, I can help her get done with whatever work she has to do and still have time to make dinner, throw in another load of laundry, pry Cat out of Hurricane's mouth and perform my clown routine.
But what about when both parents work or single parents who are already stretched to the limits so when they get home and are faced with 40 minutes of 6 x 9 and "how do you spell 'relief'?" (t-e-q-u-i-l-a), dinner, laundry, possibly other kids crying for attention and all those other little things that have to get done? What about when you just don't have time to sit down and help them with the work?
There is also the argument that teachers have our kdis for 6- 7 hours a day and that should be plenty of time to get across whatever lesson they were going over that day.
I think that's flat out lame. 6-7 hours? Take out lunch, recess, music, PE, library, art, computer and tell me how much time do they have left to cover math, science, spelling, grammar, social studies, reading, and so on. Homework isn't a teaching tool, it's a review of what has already been learned (or at least it should be).
I believe homework is a necessary evil but it's hard to see the balance between that, play, family, etc.
One idea is to create a homework club. An afterschool group that can meet, do the work, and have someone their to answer questions and go over the work with them.
This too has it's problems. The school has to be willing to give up space for it and a teacher or parents are required to volunteer their time. But what else is there?
What do you do? What does your school do? Where do you sit on the Great Homework Debate?

Let The Eye-Rolling Commence

Pardon me as I continue muttering to myself incoherently. It's just that... well, here we go again. Except that rather than curling into a ball on the floor, I'm just rolling my eyes and asking why I wasted $7.98 on a pregnancy test when a mere 2 hours after getting a positive it ended anyway.

It's rather similar to last time's number 3. Fairly pathetic. I feel the universe laughing at me, mocking me because surely I didn't actually believe it would be that easy? Well, maybe a little. For about 2 hours anyway.

Better luck next time.

Snapped

Saturday was.... um.... hmm.

Yeah that.

Despite getting minimal sleep during the night (home remedy my ass), I was up and ready to for Girl's game at 6 am. Too bad the game didn't start until 9 am. The girls cheered while the team was massacred, their first loss. I found it hard to concentrate as Hurricane was with me and Mr X was at work and Hurricane decided to play How Loud Can I Scream? until I thought I would just snap. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. He preferred the company of two of the moms. Absolute strangers to him and completely unarmed of cookies. He cooed and smiled and sang with them while I pretended to be watching the game.
Traitor.
The game ended and we trudged back to the van. Hurricane waved and shouted 'bye-bye' to all of his new friends. As soon as we were out of eyesight, he returned to his earlier game. I think he's trying to see if he can break glass. Or me.
By 1:00, it was me.
I was shaking, Girl was cleaning up the living room and trying so hard to be helpful and Hurricane was pulling on my legs and screaming, which he had been doing since we got home.
He was simply inconsolable. Not hungry, not tired (already had a nap dammit), not wet, don't want to read, don't want to play, don't want to not read and play, want want want, no no no.
I had been tugged and pulled all over the house, fake cheerful smiles and gritted teeth. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad had this not been day 3 of said behavior and I had even one decent nights sleep out of those 3 nights.
I unhinged his little claws from my knee and locked myself in the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face and admitted that I needed a break before I went ape shit bananas again and started eating my hair.
When I stepped back out, Girl had popped in Hurricane's favorite movie and set him on her bed. His favorite reward and not something she lets him do very often. She smiled at me and curled up next to him. He settled and laughed at Nemo flashing across the screen.
Sometimes despite, or maybe because of, our distance, her maturing, her asserting her independence, I get to see just how cool she is.

It's things like this, taking care of her brother, sticking up for me, offering to help her dad, these things make it possible to overlook the sweatpants she stuffed in my treadmill rather than putting away. Or the fact that I found an ungodly amount of candy wrappers in her nightstand drawer. Or that she keeps insisting that I'm lame.

Random Bits

Remember when I posted that great big list of Crap My Puppy Has Eaten?
Let's continue that, yes?

Dryer sheets
Welcome mat (I am trying not to read too much into this but she's eaten 2 of them now)
One screen door
The mat that her doggy bowls sit on
The cat
mosquitoes
Girl's pink feather boa (but not the white one. Maybe because it's after labor day?)
Two flip flops. One from two different sets. (bitch)
Plastic golf club
5 socks (none from the same pair. Double bitch)
A corner of the wall in the kitchen
The cord to Hurricane's favorite little fishy light up thingy
One set of Mickey Mouse ears
A gate
My damn kitchen floor (Arrrgghhh! Bitch!)
Several diapers
One Polly pocket
A stuffed animal of indeterminate origin

**************************

I hate the waiting part of trying to conceive. I've never been that good at waiting for anything. When I was little, I used to peek at my presents, fold the tape back down and go back to bed. This was maybe 30 minutes before we were all going to wake up and open them anyway. So waiting now, over something that makes me anxious and a little scared anyway?

*************************

At cheer practice the other night, one of the girls was really grumpy. At one point, when I dared to make them repeat a cheer they had already done, she leaned over and told my daughter that I was mean.
I waited, thinking girl would agree.
She stepped out of lineup, squared off with her hands on her hips and threw her head back.

"My mom is NOT mean!"

It may have been a simple case of 'no one picks on my mom but me', but whatever. I'll take what I can get.

*****************************

The bad.

Our poor Dog is dying. Auggie will be 13 in November. He's a German Shepherd/ Doberman mix. Beautiful, gentle, so terribly sweet.

He has a tumor that is pressing into his stomach. It could be a year from now. It could be 6 weeks. But it will be.

My husband is in denial. I mean, we knew this was coming. He's 13 for pete's sakes. But it's Auggie. Mr X has had him since he was just a puppy with paws too big to walk on.

He sings. Did I ever tell you that? Classical music, Enigma, No Doubt's 'Don't speak', certain commercials.

When I had my miscarriages, he would lay in the bed with me and let me cry into his fur. He laid at my feet at night and all day, just so I wouldn't be alone. When I was pregnant with Hurricane, he used to lay his head on my lap, jumping when he'd get kicked.
When Girl and I first moved in with Mr X, she would sit on his back to reach the cookies, sharing them with him. He accepted us without question.

I can't imagine this house without him.

Confession

I like to think that I'm a fairly even-tempered person. I don't yell, even if someone has made oatmeal for the cat in my towel drawer or when someone maybe shoves a tampon in my nose when I'm sleeping. When confronted with the Queen of Bitchy (see previous post) I merely offer what she is asking for but no yelling, OK maybe a bit of eye-rolling but I don't think that counts as anger.
But put me behind the wheel and I become my father.
When my older sister was 3, my father was bringing her home from the park. He tried to make a light but it turned red just before he reached it and there was a cop there so, he stopped. Hard. From the back seat came my sister "Stupid-ass woman" as that was my father's favored response to what he felt was other's bad driving. Now, my father found this hysterical and made the colossal mistake of telling my mother.
Despite the verbal lashing, his driving like a lunatic remained. As did the insults. I learned that 'prick' was a bad word when I was 4 and I repeated it after my dad cut off some guy who in turn gave him the finger.
He tailgates all. the. time. And speeds. Following him is a nightmare. Because if you don't keep up with him doing 90 down the highway? He will call you, while he's doing 90 down the highway, and ask what's the matter.
When we mention his driving in terms of "oh hell no I am not getting in that car with him" or "No, Girl doesn't want to ride with you" he gets defensive and claims to have never had an accident. Which may be true. If you don't count scratching other's vehicles when trying to pass them or that time he took off someone's mirror trying to take a turn over a median.

Knowing this, knowing that the man who taught me to drive (and clung to the seat belt while I did 10 mph down the road because he wouldn't let me do the posted 25 I might add), the man I regularly rode along with has this intense road rage issue, I should know better.
But I don't. I find myself getting antsy behind the wheel. Impatient. Frustrated when the guy in front of me is doing 25 in a 25 when he could be getting away with doing 30. Pissy when someone is doing 60 in the passing lane of the freeway even though the lane beside them is totally open and they could get over. Irate when the guy behind me starts riding my bumper (even though I do it too) that I start tapping my brakes, almost begging him to hit me. Angry when the guy in front of me stops at the yield sign because there is a car 2 minutes away.
I feel myself getting angry, my feet tapping, my hands gripping the wheel until they hurt.
Then I notice the little sticker in their back window.

*Road Rage Killed Our Angel ____________*
And I feel shamed. I remember when it happened. I remember seeing her picture and thinking how beautiful she was and how I cried for her mom. She was going to a prom after party with her date. Two cars around them had been racing each other in traffic, cutting each other off, swerving. One car passed them on the left, heading into on-coming traffic. He swerved back into the lane and hit her car. He came out without a scratch. She died. 17 and gone.
What am I doing? I feel my eyes well up. I breathe deep and sit back.

I hate how I feel when I drive. I hate being angry. I hate being that driver.

It's something I've been working on. It takes a conscious effort, being aware of my temper. Reminding myself that being home 2 minutes later doesn't matter so long as I get home. Reminding myself that my kids trust me. Deep breathing.

It doesn't always work. The kids start fighting and I just want to get home and the guy in front of me is taking his sweet time and I want to explode, just get out of the car and push his foot down on the gas pedal because I can'timaginehavingtosithereonemoredamnminuteAAAAHHHH!!!

My knuckles are white on the wheel.

My heart is racing.

My face feels hot.

My jaw is clenched and my teeth hurt.

It's making me tired.

I open the window and take a deep breath.

"Kids. Zip it."

My tone brooks no argument and they settle.

I tell myself to calm down and relax my jaw.

Sometimes I fail miserably.

This guy has been sitting in the passing lane for 5 minutes and there is no reason too. getovergetovergetovergetovergetovergetover.....
But he won't. I sigh and whip around him, speeding up and pulling in front of him hoping he catches the not so subtle hint.
"Asshole."

But really, who's the real asshole?

It's me.

I have to say, this must be the hardest thing I've ever tried to change. I quit smoking 3 1/2 years ago. I've limited my swearing to not in front of the kids (except, sadly, when I'm driving). I've become a morning person (or at least enough of one to be able to put together a few semi-coherent thoughts). But this?

This is something I desperately want to change and am finding it very difficult.

Do you feel that? When you slide in behind that wheel, do you get tense? Aggressive? Frustrated and impatient?

What are your tactics for overcoming bad habits? How do you change the things that you don't like about yourself?

Ubbi Dubbi

What? I disappear for a week and you want an explanation? Hmm....
How about a "I can't believe she just said that!" story instead?

I had a really bad abscess last week. Painful, wretched, much thrashing and twisting of sheets. I believe I requested an epidural for my face at one point though Mr X says it doesn't count since I regularly state that it would be a good day for an epidural. I say it does because this time it was for my face and it would have greatly reduced my crabbiness.
He now wishes he had become an anesthesiologist.
I was a horrid little bitch all week, then came Friday. Friday my head spun around and I spit pea soup and sounded like Mushmouth. Friday I woke up with troutmouth.
It dawned on me, as I tried to push some Motrin past my swollen upper lip, that maybe I should like, I don't know, see a Doctor? Except that it was Friday. You know, when every other damn person in the world decides they better go see the Doctor and get their percocet refilled.
Which is how I ended up at the walk-in clinic sitting next to The Queen of Bitchy.
I set Hurricane down to play as we waited the requisite 2 hours.
QB looked me up and down and clearly found me lacking.
I'd like to know just what is wrong with having Kix in your hair and smushed in banana in your pants? This can't be worse than wearing pajama bottoms to the mall. Right? Anyone?
Anyway, she looked me over and then did a double take.
"Where did you get your lips done? They look amazing!"
"Umbidi uh doo?"
"Excuse me?"
"Ib said, is an infeckthun."
"An infection?"
"uh-huh."
"Right. Sure. Why don't you just tell me?"

Now a normal person would have simply ignored her, not rubbing their finger around the abscess, grimacing and offering to pass on the thrashing, retching, horridness in order to be graced with troutmouth.

Yes a normal person.

But I think I've made it quite clear that I will never be a normal person.

She left which meant I only had to wait an hour and a half. Yay me!

Taking a Break

Much needed, can't explain, check back in a week. Sorry.

The Things We Do To Just Maintain

My relationship with Girl is on a tentative upswing at the moment. She is preoccupied with the first rush of days back at school (thank you hallowed halls of her Elementary school. I will refrain from commenting further on the fetid odor of dead sweaty animals in the parking lot) and cheer practice.

I am attempting to ignore the occasional outburst of cheeky comments. I pretend I don't see her rolling her eyes when I tell her she has to clean her room.
In return she took my hand after practice one night and thanked me for coaching her squad this year.

I'll admit, reluctantly, that despite my earlier hesitancy I am enjoying it. I vetoed only one cheer they wanted to do because there is something about children ranging in age from 5-9 yelling 'Shake your booty' and wagging their butts while bent over at adults and players that makes me want to die.
So that got a 'Oh hell no'. They shrugged and moved on to the next one. One which didn't seem bad, merely fatuous. It makes me wince a little because these girls are smart and the cheer is.... um.... not.
But they love it and I'll take it any day over them shaking their asses at grown men.
Unfortunately it ranks right up there with Elmo's Rap in that once it's in your head It Never Goes Away. I'm sure it doesn't help that Girl has been repeating it several times a day for the past month.
And now I give it to you.

Like totally, For sure (and yes, they get all valley girl here)
I just had a manicure
the sun, I swear
it's bleaching out my hair (are you annoyed yet? I am)
33 to 44
I don't know that silly score (mostly because we're in midget football and
no one tells us a damn thing)
Win Win
Fight Fight
Gee I hope I look all right?
Don't answer! (and with this they throw their hand up ala
'talk to the hand' and turn away. Shoot.
Me. Now. Please.)

I'm still in awe of her. She makes friends easily, something I've never been good at. She has boundless energy (provided I don't ask her to use some of that energy to say, clean her room, then suddenly she's so tired she couldn't possibly lift her arm. Look, see? Totally hanging down, can't even touch the bed much less actually make it). She adores her brother and when he's not beating her with Weebles, he follows her around like she's Elmo. I once nailed my brother in the balls with an ice ball because he dared to look at me when we were walking to school thereby announcing to everyone that we knew each other and that was unacceptable.

I worry that I won't be able to keep up. I don't want to be one of those moms that everyone rolls their eyes at because good grief woman! Let the girl do her own damn hair she's 25 for cripes sake! I don't want to be her best friend, or any friend really.
I would be ok with getting through her teen years as we are right now. Still her mom, her independence established, and still allowed to peek in on occasion.

I could live with that.

How To Dress Your Mobile Baby Turned Toddler

The rules have completely changed. I have bruises up and down my arms to prove it. So, in an effort to make it easier for you and maybe show that I have reason to be as completely crazed as I am.................

Step One: Gather supplies in one central location. If at all possible, be in an area that will make escape difficult if not impossible. Like a prison cell. Or a cage.

Step Two: Pull Hurricane out from under his bed.

Step Three: Chase Hurricane down the hall begging him to please stop.

Step Four: Unclench Hurricane's fist from Cat's tail.

Step Five: Carry Hurricane kicking and screeching to the changing cage, er... room.

Step Six: Begin to remove pajamas, dodge kicking feet (and can someone please explain how a child weighing less than 30 pounds can kick like he's a horse? My arms are so bruised I look like I had an accident with Easter dye.) and try to throw clothing into the waiting laundry basket.

Step Seven: Miss the laundry basket by 4 feet, get bruised for your efforts. Don't worry, no one will notice the bruise thanks to the 50 others currently covering your arms.

Step Eight: Say a silent prayer and remove diaper.

Step Nine: Try to sing over Hurricane's screaming in a lame attempt to distract him from the fact that you are changing his diaper.

Step Ten: Poke the hell out of your fingers trying to pin the cloth diaper closed without jabbing those adorably chunky thighs currently kicking the crap out of you.

Step Eleven: Bandage bloody fingers.

Step Twelve: Place diaper cover over right foot.

Step Thirteen: Place diaper cover over right foot.

Step Fourteen: Hold diaper cover out of Hurricane's eye sight and grit teeth.

Step Fifteen: Quickly rush cover over both feet at once while singing Elmo's Number 5 rap and pray that no one is outside listening through the open window.

Step Sixteen: Curse the diaper cover you are still holding in your hand as Hurricane smiles angelically at you.

Step Seventeen: Turn your back to Hurricane and lay over his waist. Slowly slip cover over his feet and then quickly pull it up.

Step Eighteen: Stick out tongue at Hurricane and do little victory dance.

Step Nineteen: Get smacked in head with diaper cover that Hurricane removed while you were doing the victory dance.

Step Twenty: Take a coffee break.

Step 21: Bite inner cheek as Hurricane slips diaper cover on by himself.

Step 22: Pick up shirt and eye Hurricane warily. He smiles.

Step 23: Pull shirt down as Hurricane tries to rip shirt off.

Step 24: Speak rapidly about getting dressed so that you can go to the park and have cookies and chocolate milk and play with Elmo.

Step 25: Lean over Hurricane as you try to bend his arm into the sleeve.

Step 26: Repeat step 25 for the other side.

Step 27: Stare miserably at shorts.

Step 28: Wish shorts could magically put themselves on.

Step 29: Contemplate painting on Hurricane's shorts.

Step 30: Pry Hurricane off the dresser he has just scaled.

Step 31: Repeat steps 12 through 20 twice.

Step 32: Hand shorts to Hurricane hoping he will repeat step 21.

Step 33: Remove shorts from head where Hurricane proudly threw them.

Step 34: Tackle Hurricane and lay on his legs as you yank shorts on.

Step 35: Hold Hurricane upside down while pulling shorts on the rest of the way.

Step 36: Curse shoes.

Step 37: Eat a snickers mini bite.

Step 38: Bribe Hurricane with a cookie and break the world record for putting on shoes.

Step 39: Take a nap.

Dog Days

The best part about Labor Day weekend is the knowledge that at the end of it, school starts. Yes. As of Wednesday Girl will be back in school thereby saving us the hours of my lameness and her exasperation at my ill-planned attempts to be cool.
We celebrated Sunday by going to the All-American traditional cookout. With dogs. Ours, theirs, others. Mishka was reunited with 2 of her litter mates and they spent the entire afternoon and evening rolling, nipping, sniffing and flipping each other.
We watched and ate and interacted with other adults which? Seriously? Was it always that good? Because I'm almost certain that I didn't say anything to horribly stupid (minus the idiotic conversation I initiated about Hurricane's rash and the subsequent switch to cloth diapers which no one cared about so I shut up and we moved on). We laughed and talked and I didn't feel entirely out of place for once.


Hurricane loved the piano but was less certain of Her. But she loved him. She hugged him and kissed him and anytime they came within 5 feet of each other she felt compelled to put her arms around him.
Her father insisted that she immediately go to her room and remain there until she is 30. She is a beautiful little girl with liquid chocolate eyes. Her parents are doomed.
Mishka is one of these dogs but I'm not all that sure which one. I know she's not the dark one in the back.


Face is tasty!!
Meet the Ball. Let this be a warning of the Ball, should you ever happen to find yourself in the backyard of the Ball. Do NOT throw the Ball. Trust me.
Because I did when we first got there. I threw the Ball just as her owner was warning me not to. I then spent the rest of the evening being followed by the Ball Catcher who was slobberly hoping I would throw the Ball again. And again. And again.
And again.
When I escaped to the deck, Ball Catcher wandered the yard looking for some other sucker to throw the Ball. The moment my feet again touched grass, there she was, drool pooling around the Ball in her mouth. She would drop it by my feet and if I dared to refuse to pick up the Ball, she would follow me and at first opportunity, insert her body before my feet and again drop the Ball looking at me with expectancy. Throw the Ball throw the Ball throw the Ball!
Desperately panting, Come on! Throw the Ball!
Internet? Do NOT throw the Ball.
I spent 5 hours throwing the Ball and my arm fucking hurts.

Here is where Hurricane became enraged. Because puppies? Totally cute. Puppies in his pool? No freakin' way! He stomped into the water yelling and waving his arms calling them all 'Eeka!' (his name for our puppy) and surprising them enough to chase them off.

Satisfied, he stepped out and stood guard at the side.

****************************

This morning I gave him a bowl of cereal. He took two Apple Jacks and refused the rest.

At lunch I handed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He sniffed and walked away.

We went out to eat dinner. Girl happily munched her chicken fingers (I don't think she's ever ordered anything else) and looked doubtfully at Hurricane's chicken quesadilla.

He poked it.

He stuck his crayon in it.

He laughed and merrily refused to eat.

How can a child subsist on 2 Apple Jacks?

****************************

At the risk of regretting saying anything at all, at the risk of being a fool given our past difficulties, we finally reached a definite decision about having more children.

It's a yes.

Here's to trying, ignoring the failing, hoping for the best.

Medically Speaking

We just got back from the Doctor's a few moments ago. Hurricane is passed out in his room because the whole thing was just exhausting. First flirting with the secretaries, then the waiting room ladies, and the nurses. Then there was the running from the Doctor followed by the biting of the Doctor (which Girl is so jealous of because all she ever did was kick the Doctor in the face and why didn't she think of the biting because that can leave scars and how awesome would that be?).
Since Hurricane was 2 months old he has had a really nasty recurring diaper rash. Yea, I know. I know. Diaper rash, big deal right?
Well, yes. It is. Or it is when it causes your ass to bleed and will not just please to go away thank you very much.
It would fade to a pale pink only to return to it's angry, scaly, bleeding self in a week. We threw out the wipes, slathered him in Nystantin, some other prescription cream and triple paste. We let him run naked which left Cat hating us even more than he had before we brought this thing that likes to pee on him home. We sacrificed goats to the Gods of Diapered Asses. We talked to the rash, trying to convince it of the absolutely amazing places it could go if it would just get off of our son's ass.
Still, it stayed. It ate away at his skin until finally Hurricane just began denying the poop.

Most mornings he would greet me with a smile, then promptly stick his diaper-clad butt in the air and yell "Sstttiiiinnnggkkkeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
But on those mornings when he would quickly hide his hands behind his back and declare "I no poo-ey", I knew the rash had returned.

There are claw marks on the walls of our hallway where tried to stop the inevitable march to the changing table. Our neighbors asked in concern and not at all hoping to need to call CPS if we were perhaps beating him and wouldn't that explain the screaming they heard?

No. What would explain it, and what would have been nice to know 18 months ago is monumentally simple.

He is allergic to the gel in the diapers.

I left the Doctor's armed with 2 new prescriptions to hopefully (oh please God!) get rid of the infection that has taken over his allergic reaction and the suggestion that we begin cloth diapering.
Yes, we will.

I am annoyed, endlessly, that it took as long as it has to know what was going on. We have been to the Doctor for this very rash 9 times. Each time we were given a prescription for some antifungal ointment and told it would clear up if we just gave it time. It would clear up if we just used all the ointment. It would clear up if we let him run naked for awhile. It would clear up if we stopped using wipes.

But it didn't. And now we know it never would have.

I blame myself more than anything. I should have been more insistent. I should have known that it was something more given his skin issues and mine. I should have sacrificed a chicken instead of a goat.

Actual Things Recently Stated In My House

Oh the pages I could fill on this one! But for the sake of my laziness, for oh how I love the laziness, how about if I just stick to this week?

-"Oh God please don't eat that slug! Please don't eat that slug. Don't eat that slugdonteatthatslugdonteatthatslugewewewew...... How many times am I going to have to pry dead slugs out of your mouth before you learn that crickets taste better?"

-"No Hurricane. I no longer put the cookies on the counter. If you want them you will just have to climb up on top of the refrigerator."
(Which, yes. He did. For I am a dumbass.)

-"I have no idea what his mom said but I'm pretty sure it was something about my going to hell. Because it's always about my going to hell. I love her."

-"You have the most hideous feet I have ever seen. I love you but I think I may hurl if those things come any closer."

-"But I don't like peas! They taste like green."
(I have no idea what green tastes like but Her Royal Highness, Queen of the Prepubescent Cheerleaders swears it is perfectly vile. Also lame. Yes. Very lame.)

-"Shut up! Ketchup is so a vegetable. It has to be because it's the only one your son will eat."

-"The only way you are getting me to go camping is if you kidnap Johnny Depp and have him chained naked to our tent. Just make sure he's made up like Jack Sparrow, 'k?"

-"Did that dog just eat poop?"
Yes. Yes she did.

-"Look! I can do a cartwheel!" *crash* "Um... Mom? Hurricane broke your side table."

-"Mahn an teese?" "No. No manatees for breakfast." Long pause with that unnerving glare that only toddlers are capable of..... "I want MAHNANTEESE!!!!!"
"And I want non-possessed type children, Linda Blair. You're still not getting manatees for breakfast. Here, have a cookie."
(Because only in my head is a cookie more acceptable for breakfast than mac and cheese.)

-"That John Wayne painting is going to be worth something someday!"

"Why? Is there going to be a desperate need for and shortage of ugly felt?"

-"Pshaw! I would so have made a kick-ass Rainbow Brite and she would have eaten Garth Vader for breakfast!"

-"No, He-Man was way hotter than Optimus Prime but I'd take Lion-O over either of them anyday."

-"Hurricane! Stop biting the dog. Cat is right there."

-"You're just excited that school is starting because then you can take Hurricane to the movies all day and then watch cartoons and eat ice cream while I'm being tortured!"

-"Just remember while you're pressing that forward button 17 times a day, I get to choose your nursing home."

"Yeah well, Girl gets to choose yours and it might be good to remember that she likes her grandparents. Now shut up and read."

-"EEKA! NO BIIEEE!!!"
(screamed by angry toddler to Mishka which utterly confounded her as she had been sound asleep across the room at the time.)

-"Canada is still only a few measly hours away."

The Scourge of the Soccer Mom Network

If you see the words 'Soccer Mom Network' and have no idea what I'm talking about (which I swear, half of what I write? I write thinking 'no way anyone is going to get this let alone think 'ha!funny' but oh well' and I write it anyway) go here and scroll on down to trouble in paradise.
I laughed when I read it because I so got it! It was the same thing when Girl was in T-ball and sort of the same thing with Cheerleading.
Then today I got really excited because I discovered something that terrifies soccer mom's more than bad highlights and and full calorie dressing.

I was leading cheer practice under the covered pavement of one local elementary school. It was raining. It was chilly. The Soccer moms took over one end of the shelter which was totally fine. It gave the girls an idea of how loud they had to yell to be heard over the blaring sirens of a thousand ambulances.
Or it was totally fine until a few parents decided their boys should practice kicking the ball at the girls.
Finally, after the youngest had been bowled over, yet again, in the midst of their favorite cheer, I spoke up.
"Excuse me?"

Heads spun around but the bodies, oddly, still faced forward.

"Could you boys please practice elsewhere or maybe at least not use the girls as target practice?"

The Soccer Mom Network as a whole sighed. I've never before seen synchronized sighing and eye-rolling.

One over high-lighted Soccer Mom stepped forward.

"I suppose the boys could practice out there. In the rain."

And before I could retort with a 'Well gee, we wouldn't want to let the preshus little Hunter-William-Landon's get wet! They might melt!', 4 little heads turned in sync and gave the most frightening glare I've ever born witness too.
Thunder clapped and the Heavens cut loose a torrential rain of fire and those Soccer Moms were instantly burned to ashes.
For there is nothing more frightening than pissed off prepubescent cheerleaders who know how to Huerky.

The boys quickly picked up their ball and ran to the field. The remaining soccer spectators decided it would be safer to observe practice in the rain.
All 4 girls smiled angelically and turned their attention back to performing the perfect pencil jump.

I highly recommend getting your very own prepubescent cheerleader.
Think of the possibilities!
Your boss won't give you a raise?
He will after one quick round of "I've got Spirit!" involving a left side hurdler and a right diagonal.
Mechanic ripping you off? Not after little Janie shows him her Liberty with a dismount he'll be feeling for months.
Neighbor dumping his garbage in your yard (please tell me we're not alone!)? Just have sweet little Susie pay him a visit with her poms and megaphone. He'll be mowing your yard in no time.

I Was Due

Every now and then I disillusion myself with thoughts of being graceful, non-klutzy, able to walk 5 feet without falling on my face.
And then gravity kicks in and knocks me back to reality.

I am still trying to train Mishka (the 2 and 1/2 month old husky that snores louder than my husband). I had her outside to do her thing when she took off for the neighbors lovely green yard.
Our yard is sort of green. Here and there. In between all the patches of brown and then there's the bare spots that have yet to recover from those damn moles (and I would totally link you back to that whole saga if Blogger weren't being such a bitch).
So, off she ran and I followed just hoping they wouldn't notice that she was eating their lovely flowers. She is slippery and it took at least 4 devoured peonies before I caught her.
I started to carry her back over to our house when it happened.
We had our driveway extended a few months ago and when we did it left this little step up from the neighbors lovely yard to our driveway. A 6 inch step that I forgot all about until my foot found it and my chin met the sidewalk.
I skinned my knee, my shoe went flying off behind me. I caught the brunt of the fall with my hands and arms and cracked my chin on the pavement.
I laid there cursing gravity while Mishka chewed on my hair.
One of the neighborhood kids, I think she's maybe 4, stood over me slurping her popsicle.
"Whatcha' do that for?"

"It's fun. Why don't you try it?"

She didn't take me up on that. I'm almost sure I would've stopped her.

Maybe.

Because I Can't Believe I Forgot..........

In making my laziest post ever, I totally skipped over the part that still haunts me. And everytime I see this picture, I feel a little ill but........



Did you know that some fish have teeth. Like, an underbite and everything?

Fucking teeth!

Picture Day

Never mind that it's been a few weeks of me trying and Blogger being a little bitch. Or that they are entirely out of sequence. They are posted. Except I don't remember half of what I had intended to say, so let's skip the boring parts and I'll hit the hightlights. Yes? Woo-hoo!


First up is proof of Hurricane's inherited feelings about feet.

He? Absolutely against them. Except, perhaps, for his own which, he has informed me and I concur, taste quite yummy.

One of the Lime Kilns at Lime Kiln Point. There was a point to this picture but I'm not entirely sure it's interesting anymore. Maybe because I don't remember the whole story. I do remember that this is just north of Dead Man's Bay, so named because well..... duh. Lime, in it's powdered form, it does not like the water. Workers would load this powdered lime onto the boats but because that area of the coast is so rocky, it would frequently get wet and burn up the entire ship.
Pretty. This is a favored point for whale watching. It's my favorite spot on the island. The lavendar fields. Really great place to go, take a deep breath and relax, if you like the smell of lavendar. I do not. 3 seconds after taking this picture and seeing the long expanse of lavendar planted before me (which was about 5 seconds after getting out of the van), I returned to the van and attempted to not throw up.

I almost succeeded.

While he desperately hates feet, he is hopelessly in love with frogs. He would not leave this damn guy alone. The guy would move on to greet another kid and there was my son, tugging at his leg in awe breathily bleating 'rrriimmiihhhttt?'
Meet Spot. Spot does not Baaaa as a normal sheep would. Spot burps. Loudly. Spot burped every time Hurricane turned his back. Hurricane was utterly confused by this noise because he was certain it came from this animal but it didn't even blink when he looked at it. Finally, he stood with his back turned slightly and caught it mid-burp.

Hurricane burped back and laughed.

They burped back and forth at eachother for 10 minutes before Hurricane's father rolled his eyes and carried him away.

This trip also began Hurricane's obsession with Dance Dance Revolution. I am certain this will lead to a fulfilling life touring the country in order to dance in competitions. Oh, you didn't know people did that? Well, yes. They do.
Then there were the chickens. Chickens my children felt the need to chase, much to the amusement of our friends, the owners of said chickens.

Girl would run after them, her arms flailing at her sides, yelling "Chicken nuggets, fried chicken, buffalo wings, chicken soup! MMMM!!" Proving only that she is my child, demented and lovely.

Hurricane simply bent over, his arms behind his back and "bawk, bawk bawk". Smiling as though he knew exactly what it was he was saying to them.

Verbal

In the past few weeks, Hurricane has become more and more verbal. He has happily slapped "paw-paw's bebly" and ran from "Bama's bad fee!"
As with the signs he learned from us, most of his words have to do with food.
"Mama. Diiinnnna?"

"Dinner?"

"DIIIINNNNAAAA!"

"Ok, I'll make you dinner."
As I start compiling the makings of grilled cheese with his hummus dip, he frowns and tugs at my pant leg.

"Man and teese!"

"Mac and cheese?"

"Man and teese! Man and teese!" He claps his hands pleased with being able to express his wants.

In the morning I am woken to his pleas for 'ceeerrreaahhhllll!'
In the afternoon it's 'ha dog' or 'peeba and ehhllly'.
"Cackers."
"Ilk."
"Waner."
"Bana."

My favorite is his hopeful request for a cookie.
Recently after being handed one cookie, he looked mournfully at his empty hand. He then turned his ever wanting face to mine.

"Two?"

I was so pleased that our practice with counting (which consist of me repeating the numbers 1 through 10 over and over again while he ignores me and shoves blocks into Cat's face) that I happily handed him another.

"foooor?"

But not that pleased.

One night as we read together he put his hand to my mouth.
"I go nigh-nigh?"

I was shocked! Normally he regards his bedtime as a joke his father and I play on ourselves. As if he would actually go to sleep when there are so many far interesting things to do and climb.

As he still had 5 minutes before we commenced his normal, and laughable, bedtime routine, I gently told him not yet.

That is the precise moment my child was possessed.
He lowered his sweet face, stuck out his lower lip, raised his eyes and in his most growly voice to date replied,
"I GO NIGH-NIGH!"

He was in bed within 2 minutes.

Today, again, I was given the opportunity to question the wisdom in teaching him to speak.
We were waiting as the mechanic finished up the oil change on our van.
He spotted a pretty woman in the corner and smiled.
"Hi."

She smiled and returned his wave.

Feeling brave, he moved closer.
Before I could fully realize what he was after, he had begun to lift her shirt.
"Boobies!"

The woman laughed and managed to keep her shirt down but my face is still red.

Number Pain

I have always had trouble with math. I took Pre-algebra twice in high school and again during my brief stint in college. I just didn't get it. English, History, Science, lunch? No problem.
Math? Bah!
It possibly didn't help that I found it much more interesting to explore the inner recesses of Tommy Milford's* mouth than to solve for y, but not the point.
I took the kids to the library yesterday and as I scanned the stacks pretending that it was not my toddler singing Elmo's World at the top of his lungs, I found it.
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Algebra.

I thought that applied rather aptly to me. Yes. A book written just for me. It even had my name on it (see: idiot).
How hard could it be?

I read the whole first chapter, happily making notes in the notebook I bought just for this. Girl sat next to me and shook her head for I am lame.
I did the chapter problems and checked my answers so certain that I had it all right.

I missed one of the possibly categories in the first question and got number 4 completely wrong. I still don't know what I did wrong on number 4.
I thought maybe I read it wrong but....
When you see this 6+2(5+8) you would add 6+2, 5+8 and then multiply the answers. Right?
Good grief. I can't believe I'm asking the internet to help me with math. And I'm almost 30 (*whimper*).

I took the book outside with Mishka, our overly hyper Husky puppy. As I was walking back into the house I caught my hip on the railing off of our deck. My hip swelled and there is a giant, hideous purple and black bruise. I couldn't even sleep on that side which meant, of course, that that was the only way I wanted to sleep.

As I sniffled and applied ice, I googled my 9th grade Pre-Algebra teacher.

Dear Mr Pocket-Protector,

You lied. Math is painful. Enclosed, please find picture of my very tender hip, injured while studying algebra.

Yours,
That Girl Who Was Always Attached to
Tommy Milford's Face


*Name has been slightly changed to protect, um... me.

One Step Forward

I am so ignoring my illiterate little troll and moving on. After, of course, a round of thank yous for the comments and e-mails.
Mostly it just made me roll my eyes and curse the writer for not paying attention in school.

Sunday I took Girl to see The Barnyard. It was just what a kid's movie was supposed to be and it felt good to sit there with her in the quiet theater and laugh. Just the two of us.
I threw popcorn at her and she knocked my elbow off our shared armrest.
She rested her head against my arm and I smiled. She didn't pull away when I kissed her head.
When the movie was over I asked her what her favorite part was.
We both agreed it had to be Wild Mike. She said it reminded her of her brother. She envied his 'no-fear' approach to everything.
His 'no-fear' approach terrifies me.
We laughed and talked on the drive home.
I sighed when we pulled into our driveway as she ran off to play with her friends.
She yelled 'Thanks mom!' over her shoulder.

For the first time in months I feel like we can do this.

I'm not saying that everything is ok, that I no longer worry about who she is and how we can relate.
Just that hope isn't lost.

Bite Me Very Much

I read my posts about girl and my problems with her twice. Carefully. I pored over every word just to be sure and now that I am I have to tell you (hateful e-mailer) to kindly kiss my ass. I'll even mark off which acre is all yours.

Not once did I say that I didn't want her or that I hated her.

I admit that I may have read your e-mail wrong as I speak English and by the looks of your e-mail you don't. What else could possibly explain what this 'an u d evn no cuz u d car 2 no is ur fawl' is?

Quite simply, I love my daughter. Yes we're having some problems right now. I'm finding connecting with her a challenge while she changes. But we're working on it.

And if all else fails I'll just leave her at the zoo.

You Win

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=I+fear+that+the+stapler+has+mated+with+the+paper+towels.++&meta=


I just.... I.... Gawd! Really?

The Day I Became "Lame"

Yeah, ok. I know I already was but at least my kids thought I was cool. Or maybe just pretended too. But now Girl has crossed that invisible line between "My mommy rocks" to "Who me? I'm an orphan."
I know I've made a little stink about this whole coaching thing (I am so going to end up kicking myself in the ass and possibly breaking my foot) but I was also kind of excited about it (aside from having to deal with Annoying Woman). I thought that maybe if I was involved in the things that she was interested in it would help with some of the problems we have been having. And also during those teen years when she really hates me and starts saying how I don't care I can say "Ha! Don't you remember when I was your coach and I ended up in traction? This limp isn't for nothing kid!"
We arrived at practice a little early. I was nervous but ready. Girl ran off to play until practice started. All the other coaches and some of the parents were standing around talking. I noticed Girl's coach from last year and we talked for a minute. It almost seemed normal.
Girl came over to get a drink and she looked at me kind of funny. Her ex-coach asked her if she was excited to start the year and she nodded a little.
I smiled and ruffled her hair.
"She has been asking for weeks now when we start."

And then it happened. You could feel the shift and the other moms looked over at us because it was that palpable.

"Oh My Gosh mom! You are so lame!"

And with that she was off to play and my jaw sat on the pavement.
The other moms quickly turned their heads to ward off of my errant 'lame-mom' germs.

Later on the way home I let her know that talking to me that way was never going to be ok. She apologized (while rolling her eyes) and I sighed.

I don't know that I'll ever get a grip with her. I don't know how to transition from the relationship we had to one that we can both live with. I worry. This is certainly not what I imagined motherhood to be like.

I look at her and I see the girl in pigtails who wouldn't take an oatmeal bath when she had the chicken pox because the water was 'dirty'. I see the girl who would touch her cheek to mine and sigh. I see the girl who would fall asleep in my lap while watching movies.

But that isn't who she is anymore.

I think our children's independence is harder on us as parents.

Does letting her grow really mean letting her go? Do I really have to give up a good bond with her in order to maintain authority? I'm still trying to figure that one out.

As I tucked her into bed tonight (one of the few things she still lets me do), she smiled, a little.
"I'm glad you're my coach mom."

I kissed her forehead, turned off the lights, went into the kitchen and cried.

More Proof of My Stupidity

It has been several months so I have been able to block out that horribly stupid thing I did. But now it's come back to bite me in the ass.

Tonight is the first practice for cheerleading. Practice for which I am supposed to teach them things like cheers. And I'm thinking that teaching them dirty cheers will be um, frowned upon? Yes?
Right.

To make this season just fabulous, I've learned that the town's most annoying woman had her daughter placed on my team.
Anything you can do, she can do 20 times better. She knows everything and will happily tell you just how wonderful she is. It is going to take every last bit of restraint to not stick my coach's handbook up her right nostril.

And Now For Another Round of "Oh Holy Hell People!"

Oh Lord. Really. I know I've mentioned before about the surprising number of people who have found me while searching for "she had worms in her" (damn TLC and google) but enough already!
13. 1. 3. Recently. 13 people searching for worms or earthworms.

This I could maybe shake off as whatever but the next one on my list, I just... I.... *bangs head on desk and dies a little*.
"Mother in law accidentally saw penis." "What to do?"

And now I'm left wondering just what happened to bring this about. And why it had to be brought about to my blog. What did I write that put me at #11 for this search request?
Seriously? #11? I'm not going to be satisfied until that one reaches number one.

Ingenuity

When Girl was a toddler, she preferred her two feet to be firmly planted on the ground. She found destruction at her eye level to be most enjoyable and much more of a surprise for me.
So it was incredibly disconcerting to me to watch Hurricane master his climbing skills on the beds, the table, my bar stools (which should be too high for him but whatever), and the Ikea corner shelving unit that seemed so useful at Ikea but we so don't have a corner to stick it in.
Still, none of that prepared me for this weekend. Saturday to be specific. Saturday I walked into his room knowing he had woken from his nap, fully prepared for a rousing game of Chase-Mommy-Around-the-Kitchen and Pinch-the-Nipples-Watch-Mommy-Cry! I was, instead, treated to the sight of the apple of my eye sitting in his dresser drawer. Pardon, his top dresser drawer. Yes. Well.
I tried my best not to faint (ha!) and instead removed his sturdy self from said drawer and firmly said 'No. Naughty.' Too which, he crumbled. And then naturally, so did I. He was so proud of his monkey-like ability and certainly I should find this skill useful! Perhaps when I throw my car keys on the rooftop in an effort to dislodge a Frisbee (give me a break. I was so wiped out and really, was it so much to ask the 5 year old neighbor boy to get his own damn Frisbee and while you're at it, I think Mr X perhaps left his hat up there and oh don't cry!). Surely then his shimmying up the rain spout would be a life saver. No?
Truly, it was the manner in which my would-be Everest toppler that had me proclaiming his genius status to the entire neighborhood (Please, they all think I'm crazy anyway so what difference could one more bout of insanity make?).
First, he had pulled out his bottom right drawer. Then his middle left, from there it was a simple matter to climb to the top.
Yes. Genius. Or more aptly, enfant terrible.
Since then he has happily displayed his ability to ascend every standing piece in the house.
His current favorite? The kitchen drawers. Even with the child safety locks (ha! They don't even slow him down. I'm the one who ends up pinching her fingers) it is a matter of mere seconds before his on top of the counter, merrily searching for cookies. Or french fries. Or whatever other assortment of goodies I seem to hide up there on those glorious counters he could never explore before.
I may not survive his childhood. He, no doubt, will be fine. But I think my heart will not handle so many of these ever increasing surprises.

Sunny Day, Chasing The Clouds Away....

My siblings and I were unholy terrors as children. We set the oven on fire the first time they left us alone, we conducted scientific experiments involving condiment packets in the kitchen (note: Mayo doesn't travel far, mustard and ketchup are the stains that keep on giving and relish smells really bad after 3 days), we fed the dog baked beans for the sheer joy of hearing my parents gag at 3 am, we made balcony jumping an art form and shoved beans in our ears (when bugs bunny did it, it fell out the other side. When we did it... it... did not really fall out so much as required a Dr to dig it out. Hee!). We were the Malcom in the Middle of our neighborhood.
My parents never knew what to expect from us, or which neighbor would be calling to ask if they knew what we had done in their yard that day.
But there was one hour a day that they knew where we would be. One hour a day that they didn't have to wonder what we had gotten ourselves into.

Sesame street was on and nothing short of Evel Knievel himself asking us to perform stunts with him was going to tear us away from the overstuffed couch in our living room.
Back then Big Bird was the only one who knew about Snuffleupagus. Every one else just thought he was Big Bird's imaginary friend. I would yell at the screen every time they missed him. Snuffy has a baby sister named Alice and wears 65 GGG shoes (how's that for useless trivia?).
There was Oscar, my favorite muppet, with his seemingly sour disposition but I knew better. Look how sweet he was with Slimey, his pet worm! Did you know that in the first season Oscar's fur was orange?
Cookie Monster, whose first name is actually Sid, taught me letters while The Count taught me to not be afraid of vampires. Oh, and how to count of course.
Grover, with his distinctive speech patterns and many talents fascinated me.
Bert and Ernie felt like family to us. We knew all the words to Rubber Ducky.
(From Wikipedia:)
Bert: "Hey, you've got a banana in your ear!"
Ernie: "What?"
Bert: "I said, YOU'VE GOT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!"
Ernie: "What? I can't hear you; I've got a banana in my ear!"
Comic genious!
I remember when Mr Hooper died as it was the first time I ever experienced loss.
I remember Maria and Gordon as adults who could be trusted.
My parents took us to Sesame Place one year and it felt like Christmas. I had always wanted to live on Sesame Street and this was the next best thing. In my jewelry box on my dresser is the Big Bird pin my dad had bought for me that day. I smile every time I see it.
My parents took us to the drive-in to see Sesame Street: Follow that Bird. I cried when Big Bird ran away, afraid he'd never find his way home. But he did.
Time went on. I went to school. Summer break rolled around and suddenly I was too old and too cool to be watching Sesame Street anymore. My siblings had long since given it up.
But for those few (all too brief, according to my parents) years, my siblings and I were bonded over our love for furry muppets.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I smiled knowing that it wouldn't be long before I could introduce her to the great love of my childhood. And again, when I was pregnant with my son.
Now there are some new muppets on screen.
This season we will get to meet Abby Caddaby ( her name alone is reason to love her).
But it was Elmo, who always refers to himself in the 3rd person, who captured the heart of my son. He can spot him from 3 aisles away in a store and happily calls out for "la-la", his name for Elmo taken from his theme song. Elmo, who gave me moments like this which will make me smile when I'm old and gray. Elmo was the reason I ended up repeating his Number 5 rap in front of my son's playgroup.
Certainly there are moments where just the thought of one more minute of that high-pitched laugh will make me go bananas, but then I see my son laugh and dance.
I see him clap his hands and call out for more "Ma Noonle!", and how can I complain about his pure happiness?
(From Wikipedia:)
Elmo is the only Muppet to ever testify before the U.S. Congress. At the request and with the assistance of Rep. Duke Cunningham, he testified before the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services and Education in April 2002, urging support for increased funding in music education.
Elmo is meant to be a pre-schooler. He has a pet goldfish, Dorothy, and a natural curiosity that has taken hold over my son.
It tickles me endlessly when I hear him trying to sing along or counting. I love when he chooses a book at the library, knowing it will be one from Sesame Street. I love seeing him sleeping at night, his stuff Elmo tucked under one arm.
More, I live for the moments like I witnessed this week. My 8 year old daughter helping her brother put a band-aid on his Telly beanie baby because Telly got hit on the head on the show. I see compassion.
I am in awe that on Monday, they will be kicking off their 37th season. 37 years of providing educational entertainment to children. I hope they'll be around for my grandchildren so I can share it with them too.
Sesame Street is the one hour each day that I don't have to worry about what he is getting into. It's the one hour a day I know where he will be.


***
I wrote this piece as part of The Lovely Mrs Davis' celebration. I hope you will click on over to her blog on Monday to get a chance at reading other's posts. And better still, write one yourself.

The Puppy That Ate Seattle

Mishka has been with us now for a little over a week. In that brief time I have had to pry the following things out of her mouth:

1)dirt
2) grass
3)leaves
4) sticks
5) a dirty diaper
6) Hurricane's socks
7) Hurricane's pajama bottoms (and only the bottoms but she has gone after them many times)
8) The Cat
9) a chair
10) the recliner
11) the highchair
12) her bed
13) a flip flop
14) the carpet
15) the pantry door
16) her leash
17)the sliding glass door's blinds
18) a stair
19) a DVD (Nanny Mcphee, I'm not sure if this is a comment on the movie or she just really likes the taste of DVD's)
20) several slugs
21) flowers
22) stones
23)my bed
24) the pillows
25) my abdomenizer stretchy workout thing (Yay! Go dog!)
26) my husband's lunchbox

And each time I've caught her with one of these things in her mouth, she looks up at me with those ridiculous raised eyebrows and waits to see what I will do. Occasionally, if the forbidden treat is especially good (as those slugs must be given the way she would lock her jaw), she will run.
Prying slobbery dead slugs from this dog's mouth is most definitely not on my list of favorite things.

Desperate

At some point in the last 2 years, my daughter has become a new person. Someone I don't really recognize. I hate admitting that I am finding it increasingly difficult to maintain some sort of connection with her.
Before Hurricane she was my sole focus.
Sure she had friends she played with and I had things that had to be done each day and hobbies outside of being her mom. But there was no one else to take the attention away from her.
We still spend time together, just the two of us. But it isn't as often and it's certainly not the same.
I don't think it's a direct result of having her brother. Naturally there is a bit less time to focus on playing with her dolls or letting her 'braid' my hair. It can be exhausting keeping up with both of them. Spending quality time with each alone and making sure things around the house are taken care of and no one loses an eye has harried us a bit.
Still. It seems to me that somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8, she became someone else. Someone more.
Someone separate from me.
She is beginning to push her limits, making more and more of her own decisions. Who she plays with, what she wears, what she plays. She no longer seeks my opinion and has taken to rolling her eyes if I make a suggestion.
I know it's something that I have to learn to adapt to, her as her own person. But I can't help being a little bit sad for the little girl being left behind, and a little bit afraid of this new person rolling her eyes at me.
It wasn't that long ago that I was admiring her for being braver than I was as a kid. Now I'm longing for the days when she was content to let me help her with her dresses.
I know it sounds so stupid but when she was a baby I never thought about the fact that someday she would grow up and ask me to be her a tube top (which was met with a "over my dead body").
I have no idea what the rules are here, only that I have to set them and give her enough room to learn who she is, yet stay close enough to help her when she gets hurt. It's a tedious balancing act and I am sucking at it.
Not a day has gone by this summer that she hasn't back-talked and I haven't wanted to run screaming from the house. I could run to the left and be in Canada in 3 hours.
I love her. Period.
I just miss being able to connect with her the way we used to. And it's terrifying to think that it could always be like this.

I Learned A Lesson Here (But I Probably Won't Remember It)

I finally get up enough energy to post one giant recap and be done with it and the stupid picture thingy isn't working. So. Damn it.
Instead I will tell you the very stupid thing I did today for I am so very damn stupid.

Today I thought it would be fun to walk half a block to get the mail. With Hurricane. And a puppy.
A puppy who does not understand this whole 'walking on a leash' thing. A toddler who thinks is perfectly acceptable to help himself to neighbor's garages.
It started off well enough. Hurricane held my hand and smiled, chattering mindlessly about what I am certain involved quantum physics and why that means he is owed exactly 4.6 cookies to date. I half dragged Mishka in the other hand while carrying a plastic bag (for poop. ew. except that yes, because I am naively hoping that a certain neighbor will see me cleaning up puppy poop and realize that it sucks to have her dog poop in my driveway everytime he gets loose) and mailbox key.
2 houses away, Mishka realized that we were away from the house and there were lots of interesting new smells to sniff and flies to eat (and ohmygod can we discuss this eating thing in a bit? Because seriously! Damn!) and she ran in between my legs knocking me on my ass (1).
Hurricane laughed (and that's why you're not getting those 4.6 cookies you little bugger) and I pretended I had some dignity as I pried my ass off the sidewalk.
I gave Mishka my best withering sneer.
She panted and wagged her tail.
Bitch.
We continued.
Mishka did not.
I tugged on the leash and she simply stared at me.
I started to walk towards her and she took off running. So now I have one arm stretched out in front (who knew a puppy could be so strong?) to the point that I think I may have gained an inch and I'm leaning over on the other side a bit so I can hold onto Hurricane. Great. I look like a fucking hobbit.
Mishka decided to change course and ran full circle behind me, cutting Hurricane off at the knees so that he fell flat on his diapered butt (2).
I now owe him 4.6 cookies.
We finally made it to the mailbox where I realized that I am even stupider (it's a word now, shut up) than I originally thought. I had to let go of Hurricane to get the mail out. I also had to figure out how to carry the mail, the keys, the bag of poop, the leash and Hurricane back to the house without dropping anything or ending up on my ass, on the bag of poop.
So I thought I'd just let Hurricane walk with me without holding my hand.
He took this to mean that it would be perfectly fine to run into a stranger's garage and fondle their riding mower.
Prying him off of that thing while begging Mishka to please not eat through the bag of poop was not exactly the way I had imagined meeting these people, but I really should not have been surprised.
I tucked the mail under my arm and prayed that it wouldn't end up all over the street, slid the loop of the poop bag over my wrist (please don't let me fall on it!), shoved the leash and the collar in one hand and continued hobbit walking home with Hurricane in the other hand.
I made back to my side of the street and 5 feet away before Mishka took another pass at my legs. I freaked about the poop bag and threw my arm out thereby scattering my mail all over the street before landing on my ass (3). Again.
I told all of this to a friend who asked me why I didn't also take Auggie, wonder-mutt extraordinaire. Yes, because nothing could have made this excursion better like taking my pissed off cone-wearing snob of a dog.
We are no longer friends.

Warmed Honey

Yes, recap still owed. I know. Still, this is far more important. No really, it is.
Because, although it took 24 years, I finally got to see BB King in concert on Saturday and it was amazing!
BB King has this incredible spirit that just takes over the moment he steps on stage. He has a fantastic sense of humor and we laughed through much of the evening.
He is 80 and had to sit in a chair as he played but it didn't matter. That man can move.
Maybe it helps that he loves music, loves touring.
When we left that night my husband, my reluctant date, said the three little words every woman wants to hear.

"You were right."

He's never been to a concert before, he's not a music lover in the same vein as I am. But he loved Saturday and has converted to at least being a fan of BB's.

Note To Self

As you have been told many times in the past 4 years, you have developed an allergy to latex. It eats your skin. It is painful. It takes many weeks to fully heal.
Most band-aids contain latex. Remember? This is how you found out about this whole 'eating of the skin' thing?

So why the hell do you keep forgetting?



This is 2 weeks later.

Dumbass.






Also? ow.

Bastards!

Baxter, poor tortured Cat, has decided that we are simply evil Cat-haters who live only to torment him.
In the past 20 months he has lost his space in our bed, been peed on, jumped at, had his tail chewed on by one teething baby, his eyes have been poked, ears yanked and chased around the house on a daily basis.
Then we bring in new dog. Just when he got used to Auggie and found a way to torment Auggie without being eaten, we bring in Mishka who does not care about boundaries.
Too add insult to injury.........




...... we allowed him to be shaved. Yes, he is sporting last season's lion cut.






My stomach still hurts from laughing.

Day One: Zoo

Ok so not exactly day one because really day one was when they got there and then day 2 we went grocery shopping and what is there to say about comparing cheeses in the market?
Right.
So technically day 3: Zoo.
Still boring.
I thought it would be great to spend the day walking about staring mindlessly at animals and maybe making some animal noises and such.

Sadly for us we went on the day that all the animals decided to have a napping contest.
Except the hippos and some of the monkeys.
All the rest? Nothing. Not even a sniffle. The orangutans took one look at us and put a burlap bag over their heads. I am fairly certain that given the option they would have preferred the bags on our heads.
And just to make sure that I understood how much this was a bad idea, the day decided to be much colder than it was supposed to be and I had to buy the kids overpriced sweatshirts. My credit card hates me. Deeply hates me.

From the petting zoo where there were no animals to be pet so we had to settle for petting a fly that wouldn't go away.

The hippos which actually are hippos and not plastic things stuck in the water in a lame attempt to fool us that we were looking at real hippos as I had always assumed because they have never moved before. (Your welcome for the endless sentence).

Even the butterflies took the day off.
As we walked the trails in search of some non-snoring type animals, we kept hearing this 'whoop'. Loud and obnoxious.

Then suddenly very fast.

And all too familiar.

Much like the noise I used to pretend I wasn't hearing as my parent's room shared a wall with mine.

Pointing this out to parents proved to be too much and I spent the rest of the trip trying to forget that my parents ever had sex. Ew.

The whooping turned out to be the monkeys. Monkeys which fell asleep just as soon as came over to see them.

Bastards.

I thought we could maybe salvage the day by taking the kids over to the zoo's new playland. Except that it was closed for the day. I guess playlands need their sleep too.

To make the day just perfect, Girl decided to show off her newly honed snarky skills.

I'm still amazed that she didn't somehow end up becoming part of an exhibit.

Control

I am truly in no mood for recaps and pictures which will surely take several posts in order to truly capture the events of my parents visit. All culminating in our fully understanding what it means when our heating vent is directly connected to our daughter's room. Because that is where my parents slept. And sound travels.
Ew.
I am feeling particularly sour as I have also begun to fully understand that the next several years are going to leave me in breathless anticipation of the Girl's moving out. Perhaps even more so now that she has informed me of her intention to move as far as she possibly can from wherever I stand.
She is 8. She has hit the 'tween' years. She has found out that I have buttons and oh how she loves to push them.
This morning was a fairly typical sampling of an average day with her.
I wouldn't let her wear her brand new skirt to play outside with Mishka. So instead of simply throwing on some shorts and having fun, she marched around the house in her underwear yelling at everyone to not look at her.
I directed her to her room where she upended the clothing her grandmother had generously folded for her.
Reason does not exist when she gets like this.
Instead, it is much more satisfying to throw a book at me. So she did. And I threw it in the trash (and in the trash it shall remain!).
My natural instinct to throttle her is always overtaken by reason and I walk away. But I cannot deny that innate urge to slap that snotty smug grin.
No, I won't cross that line. Instead I sigh. Count to a bajillion and ground her happy little ass.
The cherry on top of my pie tonight was when she turned to me and said "I guess you're happy now that you've ruined my life!"
Damn skippy, kid. I consider it my privilege and my grandest achievement to ruin your life on a daily basis.

Certifiable

I know I owe a better post than this but vacation isn't technically over until tomorrow. So instead I bring you more proof that we are insane.
How else can I explain the fact that within 6 hours of learning of her existence, we became the very confused owners of Mishka, a 6 week old purebred Alaskan Husky.
Mishka, with the softest gray eyes and the sweetest temperament I have ever seen in a puppy.
When the breeder set her down at our feet she bolted under my legs and hid there, shaken from the car ride that brought her into our lives. She spent the ride to our house with her nose in my armpit, occasionally stealing glances from under my shirt with those lovely gray eyes.
Auggie, the original Dog wonder has taken a fatherly attitude to her.
Baxter, the much-beleaguered Cat, has given up any hope that he may have a peaceful space in this house. He took one look at Mishka and glared at me. Granted, it has been a rather unpleasant weekend for him. My sil shaved him. I believe she called it the 'lion' cut. I took one look at him and nearly peed my pants laughing.
Hurricane's happy squeals and rapid-fire cries for "meeka!" have been greeted with small wet kisses.
Girl melted at Mishka's feet and was treated to gentle nibbles.
Mr X sighed that very defeated sigh. He never wanted a female dog. He had his heart set on one that would maybe not shed so much.
Still, once he knew he'd been defeated, he demanded only the very best in puppy food for her.
He is currently curled up with her. Snoring together.

And I?

I love puppy breath.

And her absolutely ridiculous eyebrows.

We Now Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Vacation Because OMG! Fuckers!

So what is a really good way to completely fuck up a vacation?

Um. Have your husband 'lose' his wallet at Chucky Cheese On Crack only to find it 6 hours later after someone has taken all of your credit cards, cash and ATM card.

Fuckers.

I hope they use it. Because we cancelled the cards and filed a report with the police and it's a felony and I want them to get arrested and dammitalltheydeservelifeinprison!

And I had a rainbow colada to make me feel better. And another because it was really good. And since I drink exactly never you get semi-drunk blogging and lots of swearing and it's taken me exactically 43 minutes to type this because I have to keep going back or you'll see something more like thiskdf andhi if t dont harfly ,mmmmmmakeee sdenbhse. And I keep forgetting that you are there and I am typiing and OMG I had to cancel all of our fucking credit cards because Fuckers!!

I heart Rainbow Coladas.

That is all.



*Except for OMG poor spell check. I think I maybe broke it. Maybe I should buy it some Coladas too. Mmmmm Captain Morgan's Rum........

**And also except for OMG! What the holy hell people? I have had 8 people find me in the last 2 months by tyoing in "I have worms in me".
Jeebus! Stop putting worms in yourself! I recommend trying alcohol instead.

Vacation

In less than 3 days my parents will be here for 10 days.
10 days of spoiling the kids rotten.
10 days in which to cram what would normally be 6 months worth of activities.
Hopefully by the end I'll still be somewhat sane. Or at least as intact as I am now.

One thing is for certain, they will provide ample fodder for when I return in August.

Mother, Revisited

I had what must seem like the most hideous thoughts the other day. Some women I know were discussing their mothers' hospice care and subsequent deaths. They talked about the things they missed.
Actually, it's a feeling I've had before. I overhear someone discussing how wonderful their mother was. All the things that they did together, all the things that they learned from them.
And I feel envious.
It's something I will never have, those happy memories and lessons learned at my mother's hand that I can then pass on to my own children.
It has been more than 6 years since my mother died and I waver in how I feel about it all.
I can go weeks without even thinking of her.
We looked vastly different. I often heard people ask if she had adopted me, not quite believing that my beautiful blonde, petite and gentle-voiced mother could have possibly birthed a lumbering loud mouth brunette like me.
I don't see her when I look in the mirror.
I don't see her features in the faces of my children.
We shared little in the way of common interests.
Except for my fascination with her when I was young. During that period I loved her nearly as much as she loved herself.
I will walk into a department store and smell her perfume on another woman. It takes me back to her home. When I would be invited to visit, which until I had my daughter was rarely, her entire house would smell of her perfume. And it should have been overwhelming and stifling, instead it was sweet and light.
I catch a glimpse of a woman as she walks confidently through the mall and for a moment my heart catches. Then she turns and I'm left with the feeling that I have missed out on something grand.
When I was a child I had convinced myself that my mother was really Cher. That when she would need to perform she would simply slip into that long black wig. Their features were similar enough to enable my young mind to believe it, to use this as the reason for why she didn't have time for me.
There were many years where we didn't speak to each other at all. During those times she would lavish extravagant gifts on my siblings with the explanation that they had been such very good children. And I was the bad seed.
She used to tell her therapist that I just got 'lost in the shuffle'.
She wasn't all bad. We did have days where just to sit next to her was like Christmas morning.
But the older I got, the less use she really had for me.
It became apparent that I would never be her, never be what she wanted me to be. I would always be too tall, too brunette, too loud, too much my father's child.
I had hoped things would change once my daughter was born. Briefly I was able to convince myself that it had. That her constant invitations and the things she bought for us were because she loved me.
It wasn't until later that I came to understand that she had hoped my small, nearly blonde daughter would be like her. And a part of me is grateful that she is gone, because it means that that transformation will never come to pass.
My general rule of parenting is to imagine what my mother would do and then do the opposite.
Because her death was so sudden, so unexpected, there was never time to say good-bye. I don't know if that would have made a difference or not.
Some days I think I've forgiven her for who she was. That sounds so arrogant doesn't it? I don't mean it to be.
Sometimes I hate her. Sometimes I miss her. I feel guilty and angry. It is an imbalance and an uncomfortable feeling.
I laugh to think of what she would say now, if she knew how I felt.

Often I think that I will never be able to just let it all go.

The thing that keeps me up at night?

Imagining my daughter feeling the same way about me.